A time to reap, a time to sow

I will end 2013 and begin 2014 on a positive note. Tis a time for nostalgia and reminiscing , and a time for considering a forward path. I will try to give more love and feel less animosity. I will forgive people's transgressions, but no longer be so naive about their promises and intentions. I want to be less quick to anger and more happy with the little moments of the day. I will strive to pare down and to be less sedentary. I will curse less and praise more. I will try to be more creative( although I don't know what that looks like). I will continue to vent, because it is cathartic for me, but I will write more and be less verbal about the BS in my life.I cannot change my daughter; I will let her go. I feel impotent( and extremely disillusioned) about national politics; I will watch less TV minutiae. These are my intentions.I plan to be resolute.Please, Lord, help me.

Hustle and bustle

I'm writing and addressing Christmas cards, inserting photos and a short letter, putting labels and stamps on everything. Why am I always the one to do this? Husbands, in general, at least mine that is, do not participate. He would just as soon not bother.Yes, I know he's working, but it wasn't as if he helped me when I was working. Oh well...Anyway, with all the hustle and bustle, I will resume posting after the 1st. Merry Christmas and a healthy, prosperous, joyous New Year.

Fa la la la la

Boughs with red berries ,draped on mantels and staircase, fragrantly mix with the already cinnamon filled air with the scent of fresh evergreen awaiting noses to get closer to the source for further delight and affirmation. Mistletoe hangs expectantly and candles glow echoing the embers in the bedecked fireplace, while Judy Garland's voice memorably sings, "Have Yourself a Very Merry Christmas". Joyful preparations are underway to bake desired sugar cookies, along with Sweet Potato and Pecan pies, and the Christmas tree sparkles with shiny bulbs and glistening little lights.The Honey baked Ham and eggnog will soon be purchased . The advent calendar reminds us that Christmas Eve is a week away; spirits are lifted,and smiles get a bit larger each day. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas! The body and soul are warmed with anticipation and nostalgia, for reverting to childlike ways always occurs, and Love is contagious.

year 2013 in review

I can't say that this year has been one of Alfredo's and my best. Loved ones died ; that was the hardest,and memories kick in.(Al and I miss our parents so much!)Also, two sweet former students died- way too young. The tax man cometh with a very heavy foot, and consequently, we canceled much desired trips to Michigan, Maryland, Florida and Bermuda, to avoid any further financial encumbrance as well as putting off some much needed remodeling.Not traveling is bad for my psyche, but not the end of the world so to speak. ( I did go on a free seven day cruise -I had one last year too- so that was nice karma.) Some of my closest friends and family have been seriously ill, and others dealt with some traumatic issues.Also, Al and I have been struggling with our angst ridden, troubled daughter and ensuing problems from her difficult behavior. Birthdays and holidays have come and gone in their usual annual fashion. The Orfales have been healthy in the main, and I do understand that is a true blessing. I have been retired since June 2012; that certainly has been wonderful. Sometimes I am so busy that I don't know how I managed to teach. Al is still with Chemical Solutions, his 4th year.Adam will graduate in May with a BBA in Marketing with his major in Music Entertainment Business.He got a separate certificate for that this month.This marks his second Christmas in his own home, and he'll be 23 in February. Gina, who will be 18 in January, is a senior, but it is looking more and more like she will need another year to graduate. She already took her senior pictures, so I will probably send them out anyway, with late Christmas cards( waiting on a photo of Adam). In January I made a New Year's resolution that I have actually stuck to doing( it may be the first time). I decided to make a new recipe at least once a week, and that has been a small pleasure for me,and needless to say, for the family. Adam's "night" to visit is Sunday, so new dishes and HBO/ Showtime/ Netflix are usually on the agenda. I also starting blogging on 3/17 ( St.Patrick's Day is the day Al and I met 40 years ago), and post fairly regularly. I've written about 200 posts, so if you are interested in the minutiae of my/ our life,you can read any or all posts from the outset. I've posted a couple poems and also a memoir. My New Year's resolution for 2014 is to post at least one piece of creative writing each week, such as a poem, short story, etc. I have ranted a couple times about politics, vented about world affairs,etc.,but mainly I have written about feelings and relationships. I don't have a "thematic" blog.Here is the link if interested: Http://ldsro.blogspot.com/ .I guess you can say that some days when I post I'm happy or content; some days I'm angry or sad. I try to be authentic, but without revealing all the skeletons in my proverbial closet. We still have our cat CJ; he'll be 16 in May. Although he has diabetes and we give him insulin twice a day, he's doing fairly well for an older cat. I have resumed my favorite pastime regularly, which is reading. I recently read "What Matters Most" by Krauthammer , and I am almost finished with my quest to read at least one book by each of all the Nobel Prize Winners for Literature.I must say, that was a good idea for me, because how bad could their writing be, and shouldn't every lit teacher do that? For example,I finished Kertesz and Kawabata,and I will read more by them.(I hope one year American Thomas Pynchon will win and Italian Umberto Eco.)Every time Winter arrives Alfredo and I discuss moving to a year round warm climate. We probably will in five or so years. We have loved our years in both Michigan (40) and Georgia ( 20), but I understand the snowbird urge to migrate where feathers stay warm( and aren't ruffled). On that note, the Orfale family, with love, wishes all a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and joyous year to come.

Snowflakes and Sophocles

The elaborate, beautiful pattern in a single snowflake amazes me. So fragile to the touch, so elegant in and of itself, yet it becomes an incredible force when added to so many other wondrous flakes, so that a powerful snowfall ensues. In the same way, beginning with one word,and adding more and more, profound statements are written and can become an immense influence for good. David's "Psalms " are like that, and I have always been drawn to the Greek writers of Antiquity.I never tired of discussing Euripides' or Sophocles' plays while I was teaching. Their relevance and universality are as fresh as 2500 years ago. That is staying power,as is Shakespeare's work from 400 years ago.The absolute beauty of a well- drawn and thought -provoking phrase is very seductive to me, and, therefore, I feel very inadequate when I write. It's not that I want everything I voice to be pithy, but to surround myself with the art, music and writings of geniuses is both gratifying and humbling, and how could I possibly express myself better than they have? Well, I can't.Just as the glorious beauty of Nature leaves me breathless and awed. Whether a delicate snowflake or the grandeur of a spectacular sunset, we are fortunate to have the free gifts of God, as well as ready access to the amazing brainpower and writings of old. The adage applies, "the best things in Life are free."

One foot in front of another

The Christmas church choir concert is tonight and Sunday, and for the first time in many years, I won't be singing. The Gina saga, which involves some well-meaning ladies from my church, has left me exhausted yet paradoxically agitated.The number of rehearsals for preparation seemed daunting to me this season, and I really don't have the energy for suffering platitudes or emotional lip service. I sing because I love that kind of worship, but the Lord knows I don't have the desire or joy for that right now. I'm going with my family Sunday night to listen with certainty that it will be wonderful and uplifting, but I feel like receiving the gift of music rather than giving it right now. My emotional and spiritual well is getting dry, and I need to replenish my mental state and well being. I love Christmas; nevertheless, I am not much in a festive mood. I apologize in advance for cocooning. I am feeling rather self- absorbed right now, and chatting just isn't in me right now. My dear friends know that I don't like talking on the phone when I'm like this, so I hope they will continue to be patient with my isolationism. This weariness is why I haven't been blogging much lately as well. My energy is being used up with decorating and shopping and the usual holiday madness. I've gone a little mad myself.

A Christian at Christmas

I haven't been feeling like writing much lately. I usually love to sit and bloviate, but recently it seems that I have been repeating myself, and I 'm boring myself with redundancy. I wanted to talk a minute about Christmas and all the festivities and hoopla around that blessed day. I love the Christmas story - and all things Jesus- and a sense of well- being accompanies this season of the year, at least for me. I recently found out someone very dear to me is going to be ordained, and I was overwhelmed with joy. I felt a pang of envy as well, however, because, even though I have considered seminary in the past, I haven 't had the calling. I'm at peace with that, but I admire those who are so bold and called to be ministers; their faith is certain and mostly unwavering. They are certainly blessed.I 'm thankful we live in a country where our faith isn't persecuted; nevertheless, Christianity is often mocked and ridiculed; I do not understand the judgmental skeptics and secularists who do not want to be judged themselves. I enjoy both the sacred and secular music, decorations, activities of Christmas.I enjoy "Silver Bells", and I love to sing "Angels we have heard on High"and O ,Holy Night".Taking a ride to see the night lights is wonderful, and I like watching kids when they get on Santa's lap for photos. I love family presents and holiday foods.Everyone does. But the " reason for the season" is not a cliche to me. I love how Christ's birthday is celebrated for over a month. I love Sunday services and especially Christmas Eve service. "in excelsis Deo". I love the manger; I also love the empty cross and empty tomb.I use the word love in this post a lot, because Christ is Love. Have a joyous, merry Christmas! For Christians, as the song says,"it is the night of our dear Savior's birth." That is good news,and to that I say, "Amen."

Travel club

Al and I joined a private travel club for our mutual Christmas gift this year( yes, Al!) What a great way to meet some like-minded people and be able to stay in members' homes, resorts and ship balcony rooms. And maybe now, I'll be able to afford the Galapagos Islands, New Zealand and Japan in the next few years. First up will be Bermuda. I'm jazzed.

One man shows

I seem to be drawn to dark characters; of course, great acting is needed for believable ,immoral but intriguing men.I am fond of the the shows "Hannibal", "Blacklist" and "Dracula". They are anchored by awesome leading actors.In fact, I wouldn't watch the shows otherwise, because the rest of the casts do not appeal to me, and these men are a real coup for otherwise banal Network TV.For instance, when James Spader is not on screen, I find myself fast forwarding.The same goes for scenes without Mikkelson or Rhys-Meyers.But when these men are on screen, I'm riveted. Oh how I love the ensemble acting on HBO and Showtime. ( I would like to see a program with a very dark female character, too, perhaps starring Jodie Foster( if she'd do small screen or Queen Meryl.) Honestly, one guy can't carry a program for long, no matter how wonderful his ability, so we will see about the second seasons. Honestly, I don't hold out a lot of hope.I 'll enjoy the " one man" shows while they last. An aside: "The CrazyOnes" starring Robin Williams can't be saved despite his impeccable timing and improvisation.He is teamed, unfortunately , with an insipid, tiresome cast.When he's allowed to do his thing, he's brilliant, but that might be about 5 out of the 25 minutes. In general, sitcoms aren't for me.I tried Robin, I really did...

Advent

I've been Christmas decorating for the past two days.I enjoy the effort, because so many of the items I put out or hang on the tree have been gifts, so I'm reminded of dear individuals and happy memories. I guess my favorite holiday is Christmas because get togethers to celebrate Jesus happen all of December.Someone will say,you want to have dinner on December 11 for a Christmas meal? Sure! It happens all month. Night lights are everywhere, and people are a tad bit more thoughtful. Christmas music, holiday jokes, seasonal goodies-I love a good fruitcake ,and Christmas eve worship are all special. The nativity scene is displayed everywhere and advent is so joyful. I recognize that for some people this season is lonely or depressing, but for me, Christmas is a happy, welcome antidote for so many sad and uncontrollable events, and a month long birthday celebration.

My son

I'm proud of my son.He has hated college, but has persevered and will graduate in May. Today he gets his MEBU (Music and Entertainment Business certificate) within the Cole's Business school at KSU. He will be getting his BBA in marketing and plans to do music related work.Meanwhile he is still working as a medical courier, and he writes and produces his own music.I am thankful that we have an extraordinarily close relationship, and that he is a thoughtful, caring, reflective, funny young man. He is the functional part of our dysfunctional family, and for that, I am grateful and blessed.When I get down or sad, I think of him and my spirits our lifted. To say I love him is inadequate. I wrote an emotive poem entitled "Adam" that I posted on June 27 ( on this blog) which approaches the feelings I have about him if you want to read it. He inspires me to be the best I can be, and I often cry tears of joy( even as I write this)about my son, my exquisite gift from God.

Acting my age

Youth is wasted on the young, it is said. Not that I didn't have an exuberant and exhilarating ride in my twenties and thirties; I did. Now that I'm 61, however, I don't know what "acting my age" is supposed to look like. My kids don't want me to embarrass them, and neither does my husband.I'm told that I shouldn't do this or that, or I'm too "old" to do this or that, and I start to believe that I am delusional.I realize my appearance now includes very thin hair, a double chin, laugh lines and crow's feet, batwing arms and signs of gravity. I have considered a facelift and other cosmetic " improvements", but I chicken out, and after all, how would that be aging gracefully? I used to have a large number of stilettos; now I just want to wear Toms. Isn't that showing my age/ wisdom? I used to stay up until all hours of the night. Now I am usually in bed most nights by 10. So if I want to kick up my heels every once in while, why am I judged? Why the heck should care if I'm judged? I realize that these questions are a big part of why I like trips. Not only do I travel,see new places, take a break from routine, and feel pampered,I tend to be less inhibited and more demonstrative. It's not that I want to be someone I'm not;I like to be the expressive person I was when I was younger.

Random facts, part 2 ( 61 - which is my age)

1. I was a sleepwalker when I was 11-13. 2. I have only broken one bone, my big toe. 3. I have had extremely thin hair since I was 17. 4. I can not roll my tongue. 5. I used to skinny dip. 6. My favorite car I 've owned was a 1969 yellow mustang. 7. I had a penchant for musicians and personally knew some ( like Robert Palmer).8. I have been, easily, to over a hundred concerts( rock, classical, jazz).9. I have known Alfredo since 1974. 10. I like Worcestershire sauce on cottage cheese. 11. I adored, admired and miss my mother and father greatly.12. I never get tired of Beethoven, Shakespeare or Rembrandt.13. I would like to live on Maui, about half way up Haleakala. 14.My middle name is spelled Diann. 15. I used to own over 300 pairs of shoes; it was an obsession. I now have about 30 pairs. 16. I once had 15 points on my license for speeding. 17. I love riding in hot air balloons. 18. The hardest lit I 've read is Eliot's "The Wasteland and Eco's "Foucault Pendulum". 19. My favorite games are chess, bridge, backgammon, pool, bowling and scrabble, although I struggle with all of them.20. I am very competitive. 21. My favorite exercise is dancing. A close second is walking ( in the woods) or yoga. 22. I can knit pretty well, but I no longer like to do it.23. My sleep number is 40. 24. I play the piano and cello ,albeit not very well. 25. Most of my dear friends and family live outside Georgia. 26. I have been told that I have an eclectic set of friends and tastes. 27. I am very loyal and dependable. 28. 28 is my favorite number ( 9/28 is my b'day). 29.I like very hot soup and very cold milk. 30. I collect dolls, masks, angels, snow babies ,and artwork. 31. I really enjoy watching Men's tennis and all Olympic events. 32. If money and obligations were no object, I would travel frequently. 33. I used to like to camp; now I truly dislike it. 34. I studied Japanese culture in college and would like to go to Kyoto and see a tea ceremony,kabuki, sumo wrestling, geishas and eat sushi, sushi and more sushi. It would be a very expensive trip. 35. Another place I want to go is the Galapagos. 36. I love astronomy and star gazing.37. I hate unpacking from a trip. 38. I love candlelight and fireplaces. 39. When I was a kid I wanted a train set for Christmas, but never got one. I obviously survived. 40. I almost drowned when I was 12, and had to be resuscitated. 41. I like extremely strong coffee, vodka, and wine, but my favorite beverage is milk. 42. I am accident prone and clumsy. 43. I love spas! 44. To this day, I miss my mom's cooking. 45. It appears that I have an addiction to certain HBO and Showtime programs. 46. I love the movies and the clothes of the 1940's. 47. I will see any movie with Brad Pitt in it. 48. I like swinging on a swing and riding a bike- for short periods of time. 49.I cheated on a test once and felt so bad that I told the teacher, and he let me redo it.50. I have had glorious passion in my life; I have laughed loudly; I have cried hard. 51. I have secrets I have never revealed to anybody. 52. I like the smell of gasoline. 53.I admire combat veterans immensely. 53. I have a crush on Peter Dinklage, Charles Krauthammer, Netanyahu, and Nadal. 54.I love white flowers such as gardenias and roses. 55. I hate wearing bras, which, of course, is a necessity in public.56.Two of my most treasured possessions are my dad's beanie hat and my mom's hand written recipes.57. I believe in the Holy Trinity.58. I have broken every commandment. 59. I love a joke that makes me laugh out loud. 60. I have had my share of both bad times and good times. 61. I would like to live long enough to see my grandchildren.

Random facts, part 1

Sometimes the littlest mistakes prove uncomfortable and painful, such as a paper cut, which hurts like heck when first it happens, then subsides, because you burn yourself taking the Thanksgiving turkey out of the oven, which also takes the back burner with the onset of an inconveniently timed migraine.Our minds dwell on the greatest spot of pain instead of other , smaller ailments in comparison, although they are all going on simultaneously. Life is like that. Momentary, inconsequential hurts seem minor compared to bigger " headaches ". I have not been blogging for the last two weeks, because I just needed a break from being repetitive about the current paper cuts and burn spots in my life.Actually, I want to take a long break from dwelling on my current figurative migraines, too. I will try to focus more on the sunshine than the rain. For example, recently on FB, different friends have been giving me assorted numbers for which I then am supposed to list that many random facts about myself.If given the number 9, I list nine random facts about myself. I got overwhelmed with trying to keep up with the requests, so that took time. Here is a sampling: 1. I used to suck my thumb until I was four. 2. I had a speech impediment in elementary school and had therapy for two years to correct it.3.I learned to drive a stick shift in France with a Porsche which I crashed. 4. My favorite color to wear is black. 5. I used to own a motorcycle. 6. The only class I withdrew from in college was Russian. I took it for three weeks and I couldn't even learn the alphabet. 7. I took a civil service exam to be an ambassador and didn't pass. 8. A black panther is a frequent companion in my dreams. 9. If I could choose my last supper, I would have lobster and filet mignon. More random facts to follow in another post.

Another free cruise

I'm taking a free cruise 11/15-11/23. Al will be in Vegas part of the time,and we have arrangements for Gina , CJ, and our house. I was offered a free cruise to Alaska in May 2012,and it was top notch. Airfare, balcony room, gratuities, alcohol, truly everything was handled by Park West.They offered me another one this year, and I'm going on the NCL Epic to the southern Caribbean.Just like avid gamblers get free junkets to Vegas, I have been offered this because of art purchased through PW. I took a dear girlfriend to Alaska, and it was truly a free gift for her,and I'm taking another close friend this time,and it will be a gift for her as well.It feels good to share the experience Al couldn't go on either trip, unfortunately, so a girlfriends' getaway ensues. Of course, the art I have purchased equates to the price of the cruises, but I love cruising, so it will be great! The Epic has great entertainment: Blue Man Group, Legends in Concert, Second City Comedy, Cirque de Soleil and BB King. I will have an excursion on St.Martin, where I haven't been since my twenties, and I will truly enjoy quite a bit of speciality dining and wine. This is coming at a perfect time for me, because the last few months have been a roller coaster stress ride. Bring it on, she says with a smile on her face. There won't be much blogging while I'm traveling, too much to do. ( insert grin)

Transitions

Transitions are awkward and somewhat difficult for me. There was the transition from my full-time teaching career to retirement.The psychological jump from prime to middle age has occurred( much later than the physical one). The empty nest is coming soon; Adam is already in his own place, and Gina has pretty much moved out. My roles as wife and mother are evolving, and I am nearing the end of being a pet owner.I turned on the electric blanket, because cold nights have arrived, and most of the leaves have fallen in my backyard, which means now I can see my neighbors' yards again. I don't do well with winter - lack of warmth and sun, nor with the "Winter of my discontent." The hardest of all transitions is the weeding of my relationships garden. All meaningful interactions need reciprocity and concerted " watering." I find myself doing more pruning and fertilizing than I feel I should be doing. Are some friends just annuals instead of perennials( to continued this strained metaphor)?Yes, is the answer.Seasons change the garden, of course, and I need to adjust; "therein lies the rub."

My babies

Black, shiny, straight, thick hair, down to shoulders and taken for granted. Dimples to punctuate the infectious smile and those impish coal colored eyes with mischievous looks. Toffee colored skin, smooth and glowing. Why don't you think you're pretty when the evidence shouts otherwise? Shaved head to counteract your mind's needless worry about looking older than you are.Exceedingly attractive.Don't you know? Mr.Bazinga!Chiseled features, chipped off the old man's block. Cleft chin and clear eyes,handsome lips speak profound thoughts, with a rapturous smile and pleasing kisses.When will you see how marvelous you are? You both will always be my precious, beautiful babies no matter how old you are or what your self- image is....

Another pause

I am taking another break from blogging,probably until after Thanksgiving. I don't have writer's block.I have family issues which are taking priority for me, as they should.

Buyer beware

Don't you just hate the phrase, "Buyer beware"? It assumes that whoever sells you something may be disingenuous and not have your best interests at heart, or another way to say that is that the "seller" just has self-serving motives. Well, I'm shocked, shocked I tell you! Everyone wants to feel like she is getting a bargain, or at least a good deal.This can be accomplished easily in retail, for instance, if one shops at Good Will.Not so much if you are buying a used car or appliance or even getting an item from EBay or Craig's list.Now extend this " trust, but verify" idea to anything of importance. The onus is on the receiver of information,goods,etc. So integrity and being forthright can not be assumed. A handshake can never be enough anymore; written, legal contracts and warranties are needed to protect the consumer or employee. It's inconvenient , but doable, to send back a poor product, vote or recall a politician out of office, get a legal divorce, etc. Well, how does that work in the case of adoption? Now the stakes are exponentially higher here than for any of the before mentioned problems. You don't just send a child back from whence he came, just as you wouldn't with any child ( well, at least, I wouldn't). If you aren't given essential information like the birth mother is schizophrenic ( genetic issue for offspring) or adopted children often have RAD which is reactive attachment disorder, how would trusting, optimistic, potential adoptive parents know, especially if it is an international adoption? The parents trust the process, the adoption agencies, the propaganda, and even the government, because they want a child, desperately. Now we don't like to think of a child as being a commodity, but tens of thousands of dollars later with adoption proceedings, essentially he/ she is. Of course, each human is unique, and outcomes are never certain, but people should have more information at their disposal. When adoptive parents choose children with physical and developmental disabilities, they go into the adoption willingly. It is extremely different when the mental challenges will not necessarily present themselves until many years later. Not all adoptions are wonderful.Adoptions are limited when it comes to the biological parents' medical background. With genetic counseling or knowing the results of amniocentesis, biological parents have insight and preparedness for potential difficulties and setbacks, and they can knowingly go forward with that information. Those tools are not afforded to adoptive parents, who by definition want and choose to be responsible guardians. It is a leap of faith as the saying goes - just as all parenting is- but I wish I could have had a rounder picture of Gina's biological parents. For many years Al and I felt blessed and we were certain that Gina felt the same way.I thought environment,education, a loving, Christian home,having rules and morals, enriching activities, etc. would be more than enough for growing a healthy, well-adjusted young woman. I was wrong.

Interlopers

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions," an aphorism that unsolicited " helpful" action may have unforeseen Negative consequences, keeps playing in my head.From very diverse walks of life, I have innocent enough people who feel they optimistically might have the possible, illuminating solution to my ongoing conundrum and therefore insinuate themselves into the complex situation, as if their 3 or 4 day attempts (albeit sincere) will trump Al's and my 9 years of significant efforts for positive change. Their staunch belief in their efficacy is ludicrous but exacerbated by their many degrees( mental health professionals)or their legal expertise(judges and probation officers)or their adolescent advocacy( school system)or perhaps the most compassionate, but misguided gentle folk(church"assistance"). I am disappointed with all these segments of our society and their egregious behavior; they have proven themselves to be ineffectual, feckless, surrogate parents. Insert hugh sigh here! ( see 10/28 related blog post )

What if? What now?

I dawdle when it comes to putting away decorations after a holiday.I never seem to unpack my suitcase immediately when I get home from a vacation. It's not laziness. It is just hard for me to let go of the happy snippets of time associated with traditions and trips. When the day-to-day routine incorporates a lot of stress, I hold on to escapist behavior just a little longer. I'm also a pack rat. I have boxes and bins in my basement that contain sentimental items of my parents and from when my children were really young. Al would like to get rid of the "stuff"; I can't or won't it seems. What if my kids want this stuff when they are older? I am extremely nostalgic; it's good that I have storage space. Nevertheless, we would like to downsize to a 55+ community or something like that, a smaller, ranch style home with no outside maintenance. We're looking at 3-5 years, our last move( maybe even out of state). I will be paring down, because I must, but I resist doing it right now.I realize that I have control over decorations and trips and keepsakes, and maybe that management is partly why I am the way I am, because it seems I have had to relinquish control over so many things in my life,and retaining these small dictates gives me some satisfaction, since messy relationships aren't easy for control freaks.

Unrequited

Loving someone should not need to be continually defended or proven , certainly not constantly tested to verify its Authenticity.On the other hand, as the song goes, " I can't make you love me if you don't." Someone who keeps hurtfully testing people to see if their love is unconditional, while at the same time withholding any reciprocity of feeling seems narcissistic with sadistic tendencies, yet some people absorb other people's care and concern, but will not or can not give back. Some humans are givers and some are takers. Perhaps the " takers" are limited, unable to believe that they are worthy of love, with fragile egos, low self- esteem and unable to accept healthy relationships from family who have remained loyal and forgiving despite being severely pressed for years. Unrequited love is excruciatingly painful, and Love doesn't mean accepting unlimited b.s. ;it can mean letting go.

Ploughing needed

I would rather do nothing than do something that means nothing. Sometimes sitting, and not reading,nor watching tv, nor eating, etc.,affords me a prime opportunity to think,reflect, plan and/or pray. I find myself, at times, mindlessly watching, what can be the"boob tube", then later questioning,"What the hell was I thinking? " The answer is that I wasn't. Just being busy to be busy is not that productive.I am really ok being alone with my thoughts, and I have been doing that more and more lately, because I have been evaluating/ assessing what I will be doing going forward. When I am sad or sick , I often shut down and don't want to call friends or family( they know this by now, I'm sure),and currently I have a malaise, a mental uneasiness, about the immediate future. My misanthropic daughter is MIA ,so to speak,causing me and my husband duress.She sees her self-imposed absence as a bargaining chip to become our peer, which she isn't. Contemplating what my latest parental response will be to this untenable situation with Ms.Uncongeniality racks my weary brain - and my angst ridden soul along with it. More reflection needed, more plowing the fallow mind....

Surreal, alternate universe

I'm living in a surreal,alternate universe, where the inmates are running the asylum.When I started going down the slippery sloped rabbit hole mistakenly called the juvenile "justice" system, I erroneously thought that the rule of law was to be obeyed and respected, because I'm law abiding; thus,an offender would experience what the stated consequences would be for breaking the law.Incarceration would inevitably follow.Not so! The euphemistic term "probation" became evident as a non-binding caveat and an exasperating disclaimer, nothing more.I would now tell a naive, uninitiated parent, like I was initially,not to bother to expect any meaningful results or judicious consequences for vile,incorrigible behavior, which only ranks as low level miscreant activity, if one is minor, therefore,not warranting serious follow through by the court. In the unlikely event that the minor is confined, the hapless parent is required to pay "room and board" for the "privilege". Moms and Dads- you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Child advocacy is extreme. mentally, physically, spiritually exorbitant items to consider: *Adoption is not always wonderful( RAD). The downside is not often discussed. *Children's mental health therapists do not admonish; they are touchy/feely, therefore,inadequate and ineffective. *Public schools are not meant for out-of-the-box children (square pegs in round holes); they pretend they are. *Juvenile justice is a misnomer."Many parents just need to try harder." Really ?

Dystopia

I scream, yet no sound emits, and crying elicits no tears.Pulling my hair only makes it more gray, and frown lines have overtaken the laugh lines. I'm shrouded in black, mourning the painful loss of progeny, not wrought from DNA, and intentionally sabotaged by promises unfulfilled and complex lies meant to maximize painful repercussions. For nonchalant reactions to potentially serious consequences continue the farce. Dysfunctional dystopia replaces the "Leave It to Beaver" nuclear family, and the once beautiful child becomes a demonic like instrument. So be it.

Tis the ( very long) season..

Hallothanksmas, the retail holiday that starts in September and ends after December, the blurred calendar equivalent of urban sprawl.Then there is the color orange, the main shade of Fall - orange construction signs, orange detour signs, orange construction barrels, orange cones,orange vested construction workers, orange jumpsuit roadside jail crews - color coordinated to match the pumpkins and leaves. Zombies,as preferred costuming this year, is de rigueur and has reached a tipping point in Georgia, thanks to " Walking Dead". I was at the mall today and every third person had zombie make up on. I was expecting a " flash" mob thing, but no, just over zealous zombie wannabes everywhere. Santa 's photo spot is all set up and ready to go - probably Nov 1st. The zombies were taking selfies by Santa's workshop, and what would have been perfect is if the zombies had been wearingPilgrim outfits. This is all so muddled up to me. I like distinct, clear cut celebration days. What's next? I'm waiting for a new Valpatster combo.

Multiple choice questions

Riddle ( or maybe a trick question): What do you get as a parent for an at-risk minor when you add the juvenile justice system to GA mental health services and throw in the GA public school districts?
Answers choices: A.nothing, absolutely nothing. B. emptying the wallet C. excuses D. platitudes E. All the above.
Best choice: E. all the above


What does it mean when a child breaks probation rules?
See answer choices above. Best choice: E.

Vampires

I have enjoyed vampire stories and movies since I was a little girl.Nosferatu(1922), the ugly monster type Count Orlof, really doesn't appeal to me except as a cinematic interest within the genre. I like the romanic, gothic tension between damned and redeemed, mortal and immortal, lust and love.Bram Stoker's novel and Bella Lugosi's characterization intrigued me, but I liked the more recent evolution of the tortured soul with portrayals by such actors as Langella and Oldman.I read all of Ann Rice's Lestat series, and her "Interview with the Vampire" was turned into one of my favorite movies with Cruise, Pitt and Banderas. Yea - wait for it- Brad Pitt's performance was to die for.Fast forward to the first season of "True Blood", and I loved the twists on the vampire character, and the gothic and sexual tension, but the initial good writing was gone by end of season two,and I lost interest. Vampire tales for the teenage girl don't appeal to me,so my cursory and intermittent viewing of "vampire Diaries" and the "Twilight" series found them indeed irritating. So I am now waiting with anticipation for talented Jonathan Rhyse- Meyers' depiction of the legendary character. Of course, it's network tv, but I will record the show, and give it a chance, because I love the possibility of giving new life( and dare I say, new blood) into a currently lame,over- saturated genre that has lost its bite.

Heat on in October

We had to turn the heat on in the house last night for the first time. We went straight from AC to heat. Georgia weather is like that. Right now it's mild during the day( upper 60's) but chilly ( 40's) at night. The temps should be like this until December, with any snow unlikely. I don't miss that about my 40 years in MI; snow and really cold weather that is. I have now been in our home and in GA 20 years this month. The first Halloween here it snowed, and I thought, "I moved to Georgia to still have snow?" That was a fluke, of course, and hasn't happened since, but it has been unseasonably cold here, so who knows ? I wouldn't mind the anomaly,and we'd probably have more trick-or-treaters if snow occurs, because school would be called off the next day( yes, even a sprinkling of snow will halt all traffic)"Flakey" to be sure.

Stream of consciousness

I didn't even slow down for that yellow light.Why does the car in front of me have so many- too many- stickers on it? Oh,an auction is there on Oct 26. I need to get some gas. I wish that guy would ride his fricking bike somewhere else instead of on the road in front of me. Wow six red cars in a row.Hey,jerk use your darn turn signal.Lady, if you can't handle that huge suv, drive something else. Really? It's raining , and the NPR says there's a chance of rain today.Hurry up and put on the Concerto; you're boring me.That guy can't see that I can see him picking his nose? Oh, great, another school bus stopping every hundred feet.Hey guy, the stop sign is not a suggestion. Oh what cute scarecrows! I need to get some pumpkins and mums. I wonder if there's a patch on the way home? Shoot,I forgot to put my Netflix movie in the mail."Oblivion"was a waste of time. Can't get those two hours back. Go ahead and get in from of me just before the red light. Gas light is on. I need some tea and an egg salad sandwich.Where did that come from? no.you.didn't.just.do.that! Well,a manicure is overdue. Wow I wish I could play like that( the cello). Whose the musician? Another insurance biilboard...oh, I need to go online and look at that website, and print out Starbucks certificate, and Two Cellos tickets. I hope that darn printer is working.Pearl Vision - I 'll get to it soon. Well that's the third missed call, and two texts.I hate phones, and this traffic ,and what the heck is that woman doing walking with five kids? The clown waving the sign " we buy gold" is just annoying.Oh that's pretty(dark blue Ferrari).... I think I can make it to Kroger before I get gas. I better get some half and half, too. Gina will be home in forty minutes. Wow, those trees have beautiful color.I'm glad I didn't get my car washed.I need to get that magazine out of the back seat.The subscription is up soon. I didn't take my medicine.Did Gina? Oh no, another creative driver.Hello!!! I don't like these glasses. Is that Adam? No, but the same kind of car.I'll put the CD in that he gave me. Another call; I'll check at the station. I hope Al's plane is on time. CJ is probably hungry. I'll watch "Blacklist" tonight. Spader IS that show. What is that smell? The truck in front of me? One more light and I hope it's not too busy...I just want to get home now... Come on lady; make up your mind which pump you want. Messages from Al, Adam, trugreen,Publix pharmacy. Yep, I was way on empty.... No more air-conditioning for car or house. I need to get out the electric blanket. Lots of cross country runners today. Almost home. Forgot the cream, whatever. I'm not getting back into the car today...

We need a modern day Lincoln

Where are the great thinkers and statesmen of this generation with the logic, compromise, civility, integrity,and forbearance to be long term visionaries ,reformers, and constructionists, without the short term myopia of thin-skinned self- preservation? Accountability rings hollow, and even if impressive leaders emerge,the entrenched powers-that-be squash political independent minded credibility and minimize any significant contribution with a complicit fifth estate which demontrates a contaminated,unreliable , no longer objective viewpoint. Let's say someone like an Abraham Lincoln comes to the forefront.He would would not succeed in our current political arena, because our 16th president deferred, revered, and listened to God.Lincoln invoked God's name often in his speeches.When someone does that now, he or she is marginalized and deemed "a far right kook." Too many secularists have inundated the intelligensia with political correctness and hold our great Constitution hostage to "interpretation." Oh,to have now-for our country is in dire need- the magnificent brainpower, vision, aptitude and courage of our founding fathers.Their brilliance was not marred by intolerance for differing opinions, for that civil dissent produced great progress through compromise.Not so today. They must be turning over in their graves.

five senses

Graying hair, wrinkles, sagging here and there, aches and pains... The inevitable March of Time... but they add up to being a survivor, and God isn't done with me yet, as the old adage goes. I have many blessings to count, starting with having all five senses.Sitting quietly on the back deck this morning, I could see the beautiful, cloudless, cerulean sky and the tall trees magnificently dressed in autumn colors.I could hear the constant chirping of the migrating birds as I listened to some sweet,small children laughing while they joyously rode their little bikes. The satisfying taste of the freshly ground French Roast coffee warmed me, and the delicious bagel with cream cheese delighted my taste buds. Someone was burning fallen leaves( isn't that illegal now),and that familiar Fall smell brought cheerful memories of childhood campfires and jumping into piles of raked leaves before my father would inevitably light them on fire. I also enjoyed the intoxicating aroma of my robust coffee as I savored that luxurious second cup, even as that ceramic container doubled as a hand warmer. The sunshine made my skin tingle and took away the goosebumps from the early morning coolness. And I thought of a wonderful Bible verse just then. " Be still and know that I am God." I am thankful for my aging body, because I am still blessed to see, hear, smell, taste and touch the small every day wonders around me.

I am weak, but HE is strong.

So many times I have tripped and fallen( literally and figuratively), yet I get up and keep going, because I am constantly shown God's grace and mercy. Bruised and scraped, I get on my weak knees and pray for peace and protection, and I feel encouraged because of God's faithfulness, even when I'm not so faithful to Him, and I'm yelling and ranting. I have broken every commandment ( rape and abortion, for example) , but His Love endures. My sins are many, and His forgiveness is boundless. Yet my most difficult struggle is that I have been fighting a spiritual battle concerning my daughter for almost 9 years,with a combination of factors due to her RAD(reactive attachment disorder), her schizophrenia, her adoption, her being South American Indian, the angst of teen years, psychotropic prescriptions, school behavioral issues, and other mitigating factors. This affects our whole family's dynamics; my husband and my son have battle wounds from this as well. Cover us with prayer, please. This has been a long, long saga, and we are weary- especially my daughter Gina, who is at a very low emotional point.

Another break - for about a week

I've had some emergency issues come up, and I need to take a break from blogging right now. I will probably not post until next weekend.

Rhetorical questions??

I would like to know at age 61 why we spend billions on countries that hate us, but we have millions of people here in the U.S. who live in poverty, are truly hungry and many without shelter? Why do we fight a war on terrorism in foreign lands, but when a psycho kills people,e.g. in the Ft. Hood event,it's just a " workplace shooting? Why do I have to accept that illegal immigrants should have the same benefits as I do,a law abiding citizen? Why should I have Obamacare pushed down my throat if I don't want it, but our corrupt and self-serving Washington politicians are exempt from it? Why do our mental health services, juvenile court system and schools' political correctness/ limitations create a perfect storm where children fall through cracks( more like crevices), because all young people should have the benefit of the doubt - over and over- until something "tragic" happens? Why do more and more people I meet, who profess to be Christian, seem hypocritical? Why,in such an evolved country, are we seeing a coarsening of attitudes and manners,with civility and dignified behavior being pushed out more and more for Miley Cyrus type crudeness, and even " smart" people resorting to pettiness, finger pointing and name calling? Why am I supposed to care about my environmental footprint while there's fracking, GMOs,toxic waste dumps and corporate plundering that more than negate my efforts? Why does every sensible person have a budget of sorts, but our taxpayer money is squandered by government ineptitude and outmoded practices,an obvious example of which is the bloated, indebted postal service which could have been trimmed down to 3 or 4 days service a week, a few years ago? Why should I care if prisoners don't have cable tv, fitness equipment,and computers while many senior citizens can't afford such items? In a world of apathy, I wonder why should I care?

Hand we are dealt

Living strong when you're at your wits' end is like holding on by your shaky fingertips when you're fearfully dangling from the 10th story ledge of an unsafe building -not many good options, and the sand is going too fast in the hourglass.So many of us are just doing the best we can with the luck- of -the -draw hand we're dealt,but sometimes I'd like to throw all my unplayable cards in and get some more from a fresh deck.I don't need a full house, but just something to make me feel more like staying in this crazy game and having a decent chance for a good outcome. But that's the irony. There are no assurances that the new cards will be any better than the old cards; they might be worse. Nevertheless,I feel, paradoxically, lucky compared to significant people in my life who are badly suffering with severe and/or terminal illnesses.I have good health,for which I'm grateful,and ultimately, that's a powerful card, indeed.

Comfort food

We all have comfort foods that combine nostalgia, family and tastiness. I loved my beautiful mom's:meatloaf, beef stew, biscuits and gravy, turkey and stuffing,chicken and dumplings,homemade donuts, banana pudding, stuffed peppers, eggplant pie, chocolate meringue pie ( oh, that crust!),and her absolutely phenomenal yeast rolls. All these dishes were high in calories,lots of carbs, and scrumptious. On the other hand, my burly dad couldn't cook, but some of my weird, I don't-eat-in-public ,quirky,comfort foods I got from my father,and I love these items - but many people wouldn't. They are: cottage cheese with lots of Worchester sauce put on it, crumbled up Graham crackers with milk over them, liverwurst, pound cake with milk over it, and liver and onions. Whenever I eat these delicious and eclectic foods I always think fondly of my strong parents. None of this food is high brow;Mom and Dad were working class people.Yet, I always had a full and satisfied tummy, and my gifted mother cooked with love and passion;in fact, she was a great cook. My extraordinary parents were salt-of-the-earth people who knew how to really stretch a dollar to take care of their children,and like it is in many families,meals were the cornerstone of our family life. I think about them every day. Gee, I think I'll go get me a small bowl of Graham crackers now for a snack; Dad, I'm sure, is smiling.

Mr. Eliot

She screamed all the way to the barren city limits of inhabitable Indifference, reaching the desolate terminus which is apathy's village of mutant could- have- beens.Like the tormented woman of iniquity at Purgatory's sawdust restaurant window, hopelessly staring out onto the bombed, deserted street of despair, she'll languish in the eternal wasteland of devastating indecision never talking of Michelangelo again, nor smelling hyacinths. "Hurry up please.It's time."

No more tears left

Have you ever cried so much that you can 't cry anymore,because literally there are no more tears? I think my tear ducts have dried up, and my deep sighs have replaced my tears. This happened to me a few times in the past because of significant people in my life who have died( and very abruptly). Cliff, my first husband, died at age 22 when a tree crushed him;my brother Jim was murdered at age 27 ; my mom died at 57, a combination of heart attack and Addison 's Disease; my dad died at 70 from acute adenocarcinoma ;I have miscarried three times. Other people who I loved have also died, but the above stated reaction didn't happen.What separates my past reactions to my current condition is that my present state is not the result of someone's death, but rather from anguish and impotence concerning my daughter.I am beyond grieving now.

Fall of representative Democracy

The surreal circus, which is better known as Washington Politics, jumped the shark a long time ago, but the delusional, political clowns are maniacal at best and - dare I say it- they have become despots, creating an oligarchy from which only they, the "ruling class", benefit. Whether Left or Right,their common purpose is self- preservation, not the good of the common citizen -all talk, no real reform. We cry out for term limits, but the likelihood of our"representatives" getting a majority vote for that is implausible; they won't sabotage their cushy jobs.Wouldn't you love to have their "retirement" pay, benefits, and top-of-the-line healthcare for a lackluster (to be kind) performance? Yes, we can vote them out of power, but how then does that explain that Reid, Pelosi, and so many other career politicos still wield power and remain in office? Our nation's future is forsaken for the broken promises of short term memory politicians who will say whatever is needed to be elected and reelected, foregoing integrity and our children's hope for a better life than we have. Where is our nation's intelligensia? They are comatose and apathetic."Checks and Balances" is a ludicrous phrase any more, and the historical evidence of the corruption and disintegration of Roman democracy shows the dissolute way American gov't is headed. 230 years is a long time in terms of government stabilty, so I am not surprised that our "representative" democracy is that in name only.Our once superlative nation has "leaders" who have devolved into kowtowing ,namby-Pamby finger pointers. Republicans say, "It's not us, it's you Democrats." Democrats say,"It's not us, it's you Republicans." A charade is being perpetrated by our Federal government, a mendacious canard. Thank God the presidency has term limits! Nevertheless, I truly believe that the " Nanny state" mentality is the worst consequence of the perpetual inbreeding of Washington, even the Supreme Court is an activist organ. The Constitution is in true jeopardy, ergo so is the country. Since Congress must preserve their irresponsible positions at all cost$ ( every pun intended), myopic , short term survival skills are directly aimed at ever growing, out- of- contol entitlements, because that unfunded carrot, which masks dependancy, gets the huddled masses to jump through the necessary voting hoops to preserve their congressional seats; bankruptcy be damned! Therefore, although the leftist politics of many Democrats truly stick in my craw, the party symbolized bythe donkey will reign supreme indefinitely, at least at the presidential level, aided and abetted by much of the Media, to the detriment of free speech, debate, and common sense.If there is a legacy of this current administration and Congress, it will be the demise of middle class America, and the irreparable damage to smaller government, self-reliance, self-determination, and our financial security. I'm reminded of Dukore's astute analysis of the brilliant,absurdist tragicomedy "Waiting for Godot", when he opines that Beckett metaphorically explains " the futility of man's existence when salvation is expected from an external entity." Does our ever increasing , deluded, nanny populace see the Federal government as that salvation? We are certainly witnessing the beginning of the end. I pray our children will thrive, despite - or in spite of- the calamitous fiasco that is our federal government.

So young to die.

Three weeks ago one of my former students died at age 18. This week another ex-student, age 22,died of a self-inflicted gun shot.Both, so young, with so much potential , gone.It is heart wrenching and devastating to the parents, of course, but the impact is wide. I am stunned and words are inadequate. I will be attending yet another memorial service this Sunday of Incredible sorrow. Too many young people who I have taught have passed on, including soldiers in the Line of Duty. I'm still here; they aren't. Sometimes I wonder why that is.

Kafkaesque

My recent postings show my anger about unfortunate circumstances which are out of my control.I am grappling with these strong feelings,and I will be ok. Thank you to everyone for expressing concern about my well- being. A perfect storm of trying events has left me exasperated and extremely, mentally tired. I will bounce back from this endurance race and regain my stamina, because I must, and because I want to regain my joie de vivre and not harbor resentment towards the insensitive people involved. Everyone has a personal story about conquering "demons" and needing to rise above the muck that is thrown at her. Some people do that easier than others, and some people - like me - are drawn into the ugly drama through imbibing a lethal cocktail of responsibility, guilt, motherhood and hope, a Pandora's box of futility.Faith, good will,and optimism have always sustained me. Not so much right now. I have had dark episodes in my life, especially Deaths, but I have never been more shaken than with the psychological and physical ramifications of the " loss" of my daughter. I have been down the rabbit hole too long, and like Kafka's "Metamorphosis", eventually the unbearable monstrous situation will be resolved - either well or badly. I truly believe that I have done all that I am capable of doing, but therein lies the rub, because my best efforts have always been sufficient until now. Gina sabotages Al and me, and she sabotages herself. I can't/ won't self- destruct with her, but body parts have been forever wounded, nevertheless, and when it comes to head and heart, those deep cuts may not heal.

Elegy for M.M.

The exquisiteness of being forever frozen in time.Haunting visage wrapped in white silk.Singular beauty kodachromed.Sinuous and curvaceous statue of ivory luminescence. Legendary cleavage wrought with heaving sighs. Tormented talent exulted. Surface over substance.Singular icon of overanalyzed sensuousness. Enigmatic, distressed soul of insecurity. Misfitted for some who liked it hotter; ask Joe and Arthur.Peculiar, acute, inconvenient Kennedy sexual obsession; object as unfortunate consequence of symbol. Inaccurate dumb blonde persona thwarted at bus stop.Those legs, those lips...the breathy voice evoking possibility. Come hither eyes reflecting melancholic spirit. Barbituate friends with false promises. Abbreviated life span for posterity. R.I.P.

Soothing Nature

I need to go by myself somewhere and just vegetate for a couple of days.I think I'll go to a state park and just be alone in Nature and meditate.I'm angry at God and circumstances that are swirling out of control. I will pray and be quiet and wait and be ok.

rigor mortis ( when love dies)

Ripped from an already wounded chest, the inflamed heart slowly stops pulsing until that irreparably injured, isolated part stops functioning and becomes a red useless blob on mendacity's grimy floor.Gullibility intertwined with maternal hope had kept the tenuous life support machine from flat lining, long after the umbilical cord was decimated.Now the slim thread ,chewed through by insidious maliciousness and no longer aided by mitigating circumstances, lies on the maggot infested ground of delusion.Dried up tear ducts and furrowed frown lines of despair mingle to mourn the regretful, premature demise. Undeniably subsumed and subordinated, the elusive happiness of possibility and redemption lay fallow on the larger wasteland, several of Inferno's rings on hideous display,and a dirge plays woefully in the distance. Involuntary twitching - for what might have been - in concert with lamentation scream the unsatisfactory epitaph of the untenable blood loss. Brain dead before the pulse abated; nothing worked. "It's never too late" were the last misleading words heard before the imminent rigor mortis' arrival.

Snake Alley

3 miles from my cul de sac, very suburban home in the Arbors subdivision, within a cluster of subdivisions called Towne Lake, there appears to be a rural outpost of Woodstock's civilization called Snake Alley.All the"streets" are named after snakes, and that's appropriate since I didn't even get out of the car ( thank goodness), and I saw a couple of snakes in the dirt- not gravel - driveway, where I dropped off Alfredo, so he could pick up his vehicle( another story). Uh, I can look at a snake behind glass at the zoo, or from my car, but I am creeped out by them , and basically I am adverse to anything about them.In fact, reptiles are pretty much anathema to me. In any case, here was a country setting that was anything but bucolic or pastoral. I felt hostile towards the road signs: Rattler Lane (Such a welcoming name, don't you think?), Copperhead St.,Diamondback Drive,etc. Now, venomous and nonvenomous snakes are found all over Georgia, but I'm not going to get up close and personal to any of them. (My dear friends, Mary and Amy, both science teachers, as well as my goddaughter Lexxi would be laughing and mocking me about this). Snake related words and creatures aren't the only reasons that Snake Alley is so horribly compelling for me. The little area I saw seemed right out of a Hatfields and McCoys story setting- no paved drives, discarded appliances in some yards, lots of beat up looking pickup trucks, houses needing some paint and repairs. The visual extremes between Towne Lake and Snake Alley are not lost on me; here are two completely different domestic worlds within walking distance of each other, and although I've lived in the same house for twenty years,I didn't even know about Snake Alley until today.

Stomach bug- taking a couple days off from writing.

I am not alone

This Bible verse encourages me in so much as anything that happens with me has happened to other people, and God will see me through. I am not alone in what I experience, and I am not alone because God is with me. "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit;he'll always be there to help you come through it."( 1 Corinthians10:13)

False vs true victims

I've been thinking overtime about my so called parental options with my petulant, unruly, minor daughter, which makes me think about my sweet, tormented friends Pat and Maria,who I love dearly.Each of their already complicated lives is turned upside down by family BS, as is mine, and let me say Family BS is the uber worst BS, because of one's,hopefully, mature feelings of familial and just humane compassion, guilt, responsibility and obligation. In each of our convoluted cases, the needy, immature, unreliable person we are desperately trying to assist does not want or attempt to help herself; they don't need, nor are inclined to be, self- reliant; they will just extort everyone else. These women lack remorse and empathy. The self-centered individuals with entitlement attitudes, righteous indignation - and may I say without the expected adult reactions of compassion,guilt,responsibility and obligation - seem to be able to play the helpless victim card ( and these worn out cards, which these immature relatives believe are irrevocable, give them the narcissistic opportunity to continue their " me first" ways) quite well, to the continued detriment of Pat's, Maria's and my mental and physical health. From the outside looking in, our moral indignation and affronted good- heartedness toward these flabbergasting women lack sufficient weight against their unrelenting cries( and whining) for infinite help( read: complete, expected financial and irresponsible dependency). I feel both of my suffering friends' unnecessary pain, because I have some uncanny, similar, unsavory circumstances; we are the true victims, and we are experiencing the psychological abuse that comes with being, in actuality, an enabler , against our better judgment and rational side.Our hearts are in the right place, so to speak,and our tormenters capitalize on that - although they won't admit as much. Without a lot of minutiae , suffice it to say we three are all experiencing excruciating, uphill battles with close, female relatives ,without outside relief, exacerbated by the "victims'" nebulous,self-serving diagnoses of mental illness.The old adages "No rest for the weary" and "No good deed goes unpunished" seem valid and applicable. I pray for all three of us to have relief, respite and resolution concerning these trying, exasperating situations, but another trite but true cliche applies; it's always darkest before the dawn. What crap!

Over 10,000 views-thank you

Last night my blog spot hit over 10,000 views. That might not seem like many hits to lots of people who are used to social media , but I am very humbled and appreciative of the viewers who bother to read what I write.Sometimes I write fluff; sometimes I rant ; sometimes I write stream- of - consciousness;sometimes I try to be " literary." However, I always write for myself, because it is cathartic and often confessional.If you like what I write- whether you agree with me or not- it’s just icing on the proverbial cake, and I sincerely thank you for your support.I started writing my blog on St.Pat's Day and this is my 14Oth post, so I write a paragraph or so almost every day, except during some vacations.By the way,friends have asked me what my blog title LDSRO means.Well,it's all my initials, former and current ( Linda Diann Shelton Ross Orfale).If there are any posts you haven't read, you can access them by the months listed on the right column. Titles of the most viewed posts ,if you wish to read them, are: Coffins, 4/27;Jim,5/2; somnambulism, 4/30; anger,5/9; Broken,5/16; abused, 5/11;trapped,5/31; the Bell Blinks, 6/10; living in France, 6/11; Adam,6/27; sorry,7/20; notes to self,8/7; and ennui, 9/18. My goal is eventually to publish a short story/ poetry collection by expanding some of these fledgling remarks.I welcome any constructive comments/ criticism you may care to make. Thanks again for contributing to this modest milestone.

Ebb and flow

Banality of Life, no particular sequence....eat, sleep ,defecate, work/ job/ school, urinate, housework, exercise,sickness,drive/traffic, grocery shopping ,shower, get dressed,get gas, brush teeth,medications, pay bills, yard work,routines, habits, obligations.Survival and being homo sapiens are the large boring parts of daily Life,much of which we don't discuss, because, for most of us, we all have a similar circumstance. I am a questioning product of a First World set of concerns.But I'm thankful that I am not living in a third world situation where surviving the present day becomes paramount , or that I am some other kind of animal or nonthinking species.( Are other kinds of animals happier? Do they understand what happiness is? )Also, of course, there are Life's sadnesses which are universal, such as severe illness, trauma,betrayals and funerals. But beyond all of the above ,one experiences the exuberance of Life, no particular order.... Family, Faith, Friends, pets, traveling, reading, music,art, sports, worshipping, Health, entertaining,cooking something special,the beauty of Creation, hugs and kisses, photographs and memories, a long walk in the woods or at the beach,loving and being loved ,and special days like birthdays and Christmas and weddings.Our Life is a composite of routine and serendipity, boredom and excitement,good and bad,illness and health, melancholy and joy, dearth and abundance.My life is filled with peaks, valleys and plateaus, but those valleys and plateaus make me relish the mountaintop experiences even more.Oh, and now I need to go clean up the bathroom, change my bed, feed the cat,take a shower and then make some lunch.

Ennui / World weariness

I'm experiencing a tad bit of ennui or world weariness. No, it's not that I'm bored.It's the sadness that comes with seeing the same kind of disheartening events ,man made and natural, over and over throughout my life and realizing that I will continue to be a somewhat impotent witness to more of the same until I die. Examples: mass murders,misuse of political position,fruitless wars,insipid celebrity, extreme poverty, true hunger, rampant disease,physical abuse, widening gap between the haves and have nots, wild fires, tsunamis, hurricanes, floods,religious aberrations,hate speak,barbarians, mentally insane people wielding weapons,crudeness,ignorance - especially ignorance, manipulation, scam artists,etc, ad nauseum. I recognize that the world also demonstrates compassion, redemption, forgiveness, opportunity and potential for good. Many people seek, and work tirelessly for solutions, cures, interventions, and the outward expression of Love. I know the dichotomy between good and evil is inherent in human nature and the influence of the " seven deadly sins" is always at hand. I can only affect my immediate microcosm, but the onerous macrocosm wears on me, because as one becomes part of the older generation, one sees the mistakes and horrors of the past keep getting repeated with impunity and more horrendous efficiency. I believe in God,His Word,his omniscience and omnipotence. Consequently, the world is going to get a lot worse before it gets better ("Revelation"), and I wish my children would not have to experience the seven years of the Great Tribulation and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, but in so many places on Earth, I am certain that many people feel like they are already experiencing it. Yes, despite its flaws, I am fortunate to live in middle class America. I could be living in a hell on Earth like the Sudan, Iran, North Korea, or a slum house in Chicago. Nevertheless,I wish the travesties,suffering, inhumanity, and tragedies of our world were not so prolific and pervasive.I don't want to become desensitized to other people's crises and traumas, but the sheer amount of really bad "news" can be mind numbing. I hope and pray that the cries and pleas in the Wilderness, so to speak, will be heard and the suffering people will not feel God forsaken. Keeping Faith can be the hardest trial of all.

Spa visits

My beautiful - inside and out- niece Jaime, just offered me a free massage gift including gratuity.I love massages - all things spa, in fact- and one of the many benefits of retirement is that I can get a massage during the weekday and not on the crowded weekend. I never had a professional massage until I was 40, and my first facial was at 50. I always thought of these self- indulgent items as decadent and expensive; therefore I avoided them. I was wrong, because they are very therapeutic and literally rejuvenating. Now when I go on a vacation, especially a cruise, I get a massage and sometimes a facial and/ or other offerings like a deluxe pedicure and foot massage.After the treatment, I can get in a soothing hot tub or pool, too! They aren't necessarily costly ; I for one use discounts and specials,and the ubiquitous Groupon is great! For all my close friends and family: massages or facials or pedicures or spa visits are the perfect gift for me. So Jaime, thanks again for my delightful gift. Destressing massages can't be beat.

Educational touchdown

My son will be graduating from Kennesaw State University next summer, and my daughter graduates from Etowah High School at the same time.I feel like this has been a 40 year journey in the wilderness just to get them through their respective schools, because neither one has liked their school experience, and Al and I have had to plod, plea, provoke, persist and insist. Adam has honors status and has persevered despite despising college. Gina barely has a 2.0, and she will probably go to a community college next fall, if that. She lacks the motivation to study at all. Adam doesn't want to do graduate school at this time, and that's ok with me. I just can't relate too well to how they feel about education, because I always, absolutely loved being a student, and I excelled fortunately. Adam doesn't abide vainglorious profs or ones with heavy Russian accents,rather prevalent at KSU. Gina doesn't abide anyone in authority - a crucial issue, of course. Adam has hated his college years, and Gina has hated her high school years; both are not convinced that academia/ education is essential for their future endeavors.But we are all hanging in there , even if by a thread. Obviously, come June, this will be moot, since "Mission Impossible" will become mission accomplished.Then on to the next potential nightmare, in a string of nightmares,the ugly job searches. Can you just put a fork in me? I am so done with the educational madness of my offspring.Dragging them both to the educational goalpost is yet another thing I didn't think I would be doing. Parenthood is nothing if not arduous and lifelong. I need an extended warranty on my body and mind.

Ms. Loretta

I have had some upsetting events occur this weekend. It coincidentally is Friday the 13th weekend, but I am not superstitious. I can't believe the negative energy sent my way by some people close to me, and one of my former students died as well. My saving grace today, and frequently, is my dear friend Ms. Loretta, who is my confidante, sounding post, and is always loyal and supportive. We shared some quality time together,and she has a very calming influence on me. I am thankful for her valued friendship, and can't imagine my life without her in it.Most of my good friends and family live outside of Georgia, but she is my family here, a real soul sista.She knows my secrets and shortcomings ;I love her truly, and my relaxing time with her was the bright spot in an otherwise somber, frustrating, and migraine inducing couple of days. Thank you for being there for me Ms.Loretta. You are a Godsend.

North or South?

I hear people from the North talk about Southerners often as Rednecks or unsophisticated, and I hear people from the South speak of Northerners as aggressive and ill-mannered. I disagree with these assessments as too narrow, stereotypical, and uninformed. Yes, there are some Georgia good ol' boys who are still Rednecks, but I've seen plenty of white trash up North. Yes, there are many people from the North who not well mannered, but I have witnessed bad breeding first hand in Georgia.I suppose generalizations can be made about regions, but that's what they are- generalizations. Regional uniqueness is expected, but regions aren't different countries for God's sake. I know many fine, outstanding individuals from both parts of the country.Nevertheless,some people here in Georgia are still fighting against the " War of Northern Aggression ", and Southern "hospitality" depends on who you encounter.Then again, the tragedy that is called Detroit is ugly, and you can't get much more unsophisticated than south of 8 Mile in that town. I embrace the uniqueness that is Michigan or Georgia, and I've had a good life and great friends in both states. After living 40 years in Michigan and 20 years in Georgia I guess you can almost call me a "half- breed", and that's fine with me y'all.

9/11/2001

I had just resumed teaching after a 7 year hiatus. I had been nursery director at HUMC, while my son and daughter were finishing preschool,so I could be with my children while they were toddlers. Anyway, my first teaching job was at Dean Rusk Middle School in Cherokee County and that was in 2001. Every morning as a 7th grade teacher, I turned on the TV to a school wide program called "Channel One" which gave the students current events. The programming was interrupted just before 9 am to show live coverage of the towers being hit. The first tower hit was thought to be an accident initially, but I and my 12 year old students saw the second plane intentionally fly into the Trade Center Tower and there was a loud collective gasp. Watching the events unfold, the worst was seeing people jump out of the tower windows to their death. I turned the TV off. I tried to resume our Language Arts plan for the day, but nobody could focus, and I couldn't hold back tears.Dr. Blackwell, our principal, told us to leave our TVs off and act as if nothing happened. Really? My 7C team colleagues and I were visibly stunned, and at that point in the morning, we were all worried that there would be a war in the traditional sense. We took turns having our TV on during our planning periods. So I wanted to call my husband. That became a rigamarole because, everyone wanted to call his/ her spouse, and this was before the ubiquitous cell phone. I waited my turn, called Al, and when he answered he did not know about the occurrence, so it was after 11:00am when he turned on his TV for the first time. He never saw the people jumping out of the buildings, because the networks were not replaying that horror.Later that day, I kept thinking about the phone call Ted Olson received from his wife before the plane she was on crashed into the Pentagon. I tried to imagine if that were a conversation between Al and me. I didn't know anybody personally who was murdered that day, but I have never had such a visceral reaction to a news event. I felt like I was having a panic attack when I started thinking about my 10 year old son and 5 year old daughter. To me, their future safety was in doubt. I wanted to go home and hug my family, but I couldn't. Instead, I hugged many of my students who needed comforting, because they were confused, angry, sad, and stunned. It was a horrible day being played out in most classrooms across America, and the time seemed to drag. I kept thinking how surreal it all was.The school felt like a battle zone mentality , even though we were in Woodstock, Georgia, not New York.Every American was sharing this horrific experience, even if we weren't directly involved. Our country was under attack. Now it's 2013, and twelve years later , there is a whole generation of kids who only see that day as history. My daughter doesn 't remember any events that day except seeing the smoke and burning towers on TV. She sees it " like a movie." I have to say that "Pearl Harbor Day", 12/07/1941, is like that for me. I recognize the seriousness of that horrific event, but I didn't internalize it, because it happened 11 years before I was born, about the same amount of time between 2001 and now. I was thinking about the people , like my dad, who experienced both days. Will I experience another horrific event in my lifetime, too? Sadly, I think I will.

40 more months of Obama's admin

40 more months of Obama's administration. Lord,give all Americans strength to preserve and prevail. How many more years will we anger and confuse our allies? Is our best foot forward the equivocating and conflicting words of Reid, Pelosi,Kerry, Clinton? That said, Boehner, McCain, etc., aren't any better. On the eve of 9/11, I find myself sighing and wondering if our waffling government has really learned the hard lesson of that tragic date. The sophisticated liars and manipulators who are called our ( supposed ) representatives, have crossed too many red lines themselves with impunity.And it isn't just our current arbitrary foreign policy that disturbs me; Obamacare is coming, and our legislators have exempted themselves from it.I still think this country is great, and I don 't want to live anywhere else, but the US's shining star is diminished.

Neanderthal close encounter

I swerved my car today to avoid hitting a slow reacting dog, smacked the curb and subsequently got a flat tire, bent rim and hubcap.I was fine.However, the tow truck guy told me that I should have hit the " damn mutt" to avoid the inconvenience and expense.Really? His comment to me was,"Women!" and he shook his head; he really seemed miffed. There are still archaic brutes it seems, but I have not encountered one, personally, in a long time.This crude man's lack of sensitivity concerning the " inconvenient" animal was astounding, and Michael Vick and that ilk came to mind, but also his derogatory tone broached misogyny.He seemed like a cretan throwback to the 1950's. His burly demeanor and offensive words screamed the classic stereotype of a backwards oaf. I was more bummed by that lout's attitude than my damaged car. Thank God my husband isn't like that in the least, but then if Al were, I wouldn't have been with him this long.

Death be not sad

This fall I am serving as a funeral assistant at my church.On Saturday ,a memorial service was held and I helped out. This got me thinking about what kind of " celebration of Life " I would like to have. Well, I want beautiful, classical music and a spray of white roses. I would like a cellist to play Bach concerto #1 , a harpist play Gliere concerto, and a pianist play Chopin and Beethoven while a PowerPoint shows pictures of me with family and friends throughout my life.I would hope someone would sing " Jesus,Joy of Man 's Desiring" and would love a man to sing the Lord's prayer, and lastly, have someone recite Psalm 23. I would rather have music instead of a lot of words.I don't really want any eulogies or sermons. Then I would like a wake where there is wine and cheese,and lots of jazz and blues playing. A Mic could be passed around,and people would be able to tell an amusing anecdote they knew about me. I've had lots of embarrassing and silly moments in my life to which people have been witnesses. I want my friends and family to smile about me not cry.

Sports?

I'm watching US Open Tennis. I love Novak J and RAF Nadal . I hope they are in the finals together. I like playoffs and championship games, so I don't get excited about football until Jan. I don't watch golf championships until the last day of the weekend, and so on with sports. I am not passionate enough to watch every game of a particular sport's season. I am getting excited about the Detroit Tigers and Atlanta Braves, and , of course, I always root for Maize and Blue. When I was teaching, I would go to one game for each sport I could during the year. I am not sports obsessed, obviously. I did, however, attend all of Adam's races when he was doing cross country, a parent's duty.

Not the usual day- in- the- life

I decided to set the table handsomely for every meal we ate, yesterday. It was fun to consciously spend time arranging the table settings midweek, for no particular reason, for no expected company. I was treating us to extra attention to detail instead of using my every day "put it on the table so we can eat" mentality.I genuinely make an effort to cook most days, but rarely do I put forth effort for the " table scape", as foodies call it, unless it's a holiday or someone's birthday or we have company.For breakfast, I used my Grandma's china, glassware and silverware, with white linens and an orchid centerpiece. All Al and I ate consisted of a toasted bagel with cream cheese,watermelon chunks, orange juice and coffee, but I found myself lingering longer( Lake Oconee allusion), just because everything was just so much more elegant than usual at the breakfast table. Arranging everything took longer than fixing that meal. For lunch, we sat in the dining room and used my Mother's Blue Danube dishes, two Tiffany glasses, and her beautiful silverware. I used Tia's hand stitched tablecloth and napkins, and I put a red rose in a Waterford bud vase between us. I made cabbage soup and crab salad, and we had raspberry sorbet.Finally, for dinner, I used our wedding china, crystal and silver, , a different set of linens, put candles and some crepe Myrtle on the table, turned on some quiet classical guitar music and opened a bottle of good Pinot Noir. We "dined" - not just ate- and although it was a lot more effort and time than usual, it was certainly a positive change up from our general pattern. I prepared lamb and okra, Caesar salad, and warm oatmeal raisin cookies with decaf coffee.I even poured us ( not Gina) some Grand Marnier. It was a rare day, an exception to our informal routine, and because of its out- of- the - norm pattern, it will be memorable.Maybe I 'll do something similar again...in a year or two.

Today is a good day.

Living , loving ,laughing. Healthy, hopeful, happy. Peace, prayer, promises. Family, friends, future. Books,breakfast,bedroom. Coffee, conversation, cat. Vacations, vodka, variety.God, Gina, Grace. Alfredo, Adam, art.Music, movies, motherhood. Salvation, sunshine, silliness. I pause and realize that it is a very good day.In fact, most of my days can be good ones when I have the right mind set.

The beach as microcosm

I was calmly sitting on the huge beach which went for about a half mile to the left and to the right from where I was seated. Guarding our "stuff" and covered with sun screen, hat and sunglasses on, I was happily watching my husband,son and daughter jumping around in the waves,and I began thinking positively about the much needed family time for us, being thankful we could all be together for the mini vacation. Just as I was becoming totally relaxed, a lady of indiscernible age approached me with beer in hand and asked if I might have a cigarette she could have. I didn't, but we conversed for a couple of minutes, and she told me that she and some other friends were on the island to celebrate her divorce settlement. She went on to say that she had been married to a cad for almost 26 years,and finally had the gumption to leave him. She had no children, but she was " looking forward to spending [her] husband's hard earned money," she quipped. She then left me to go in search of the much desired cigarette, and I realized that no matter how much money that over tanned, cosmetically enhanced woman would have, she was not nearly as blessed as I felt.Once again I looked out to the water to see my family laughing and playing.I laughed, too, and was at that moment I was glad fo my crazy, convoluted, unpredictable life.The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the sand dune!

A cautionary tale

Obsessed with her own elegance,Constance,vapid trophy wife, continued to stare narcissistically at her wrinkle free, Botox filled face, looking critically for any obvious flaw that would mar the surgical improvements she had recently paid quite dearly to achieve. With the swelling and bruising gone,her successful facelift left her looking refreshed and youthful, and Connie ( this nickname seemed so working class to her) wondered when she should schedule her breast augmentation and tummy tuck, which were long overdue in her mind.She was reminded of the thigh liposuction which had been Con's first foray into modifying her dissatisfying appearance and ridding herself of her grotesque cellulite,and once that had been happily accomplished, she had decided to treat herself to the removal of the horrendous stretch marks from the inconvenient pregnancy which had played havoc with her once model- like, toned,lithe body. C - her pet name from her husband Marc- was thankful that she had avoided the pernicious breast feeding regimen, but when she studied her chest, the slight sagging made her frown, and she longed to be"perky" again. C's physical " to do" list was growing, but the first things were the afternoon's scheduled Brazilian wax and getting her highlights touched up.Tonight she would make passionate love to Marc, and tomorrow would be her big day; she hadn't been seen in public since her facial procedure, and Marc's architectural achievements would be showcased at the celebrity fundraiser tomorrow evening. She would be resplendent by his side wearing her form fitting, long, black silk, one shoulder evening gown , Louboutin heels and Winston jewels. Her cosmetics and hair would be done by her friend's stylist, and she felt as excited as her wedding day, eight years ago. She would have the limelight, she would be the prettiest she had ever been, and she anticipated the perfect end to a perfect evening, when she would ingest the quick acting poison and die in Marc's arms, never to grow old. Her toddler son would be just fine, she assured herself.0h, she realized that she was going to be late for her waxing; she needed to get going.

Off line until 9/3

Driving to Tybee Island - without electronics until 9/3. I'm going to unplug in more ways than one. The beach will be the only medication I will need, and good for the soul.

Ghastly behavior

I know that I'm part of the older generation now, but I am appalled by so many of the young celebrities of today.There is such degeneration, debauchery and self-aggrandizement, but what concerns me mainly is that this cult of ( debatable) celebrity seems to preoccupy the young mind of the average preteen, and we have a marked and obvious deterioration of values and morals in the 21st Century.Cyrus, Bieber, Lohan and their ilk - really? These are the " role models" for today's teens? Sadly, these marginal talents are no longer aberrations ; they are becoming the dubious norm. I cringe with disgust.I feel a melancholia for the loss of childhood innocence; I have nostalgia for a PG life, where cursing isn't every third word, violence is not graphically exhibited, and sex acts are left to the imagination. Yes, there's backlash at times , but unfortunately, the malevolent trend is towards more debasement, increased crudeness and lessened civility. Thwarting this overt affront is unlikely, and the sad headlines could read: "The Fall of Western Civilization" " The Tip of the Societal Iceberg", "Perversion as Preference ", and "Reality Shows are our Reality."Instead of this disheartening level of mediocrity and insipidness, give me Medal of Honor recipients, good Samaritans, philanthropy, volunteerism, sacrifice and general positive behavior and attitude.I am so over the glorification of the lowest common denominators and their vulgarity.These young celebrities are imploding; I hope our country doesn't.

Sigh....

IEPs, numerous counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, medications, community service, probation officers, juvenile court, group therapy, family counseling,ISS, detentions, Saturday scHool, summer school,virtual school,retreats, Camps, vacations, enrichment ,but most of all unconditional help,a stable and Christian home, support and Love.Put it all together and what do you get? Two very tired parents ,who have tried their upmost, and an unappreciative daughter who hasn't progressed.It is an example of genes over environment. In this particular case, you can put a fork in me; I'm done.

Just the way I am

I stopped being who I wasn't and starting being who I am. I don't need you to like me, but I'm glad if you do. I don't need you to pay me compliments, but I will trust you are being sincere,if you give me one. I can take constructive criticism( if that's what it is).I keep myself clean and groomed, but I don't dress to impress or wear makeup for effect. I can not abide ignorance, bigotry or condescension.I will tell you what I think, if solicited, and I will be honest. You may not like my lifestyle, and I may not like yours, but I will respect you and be tolerant.I expect that in return.I believe in second chances, but I will no longer be used, taken for granted, or lied to. I will say,"I'm sorry" when I'm wrong, but I,too, want an apology when warranted. I am not as flawed as some, but I am more flawed than some others. I live within my means, but I live well. I may not be a great mother and a great wife and a great friend, but I try hard to be the best mother, wife and friend I can be. I know myself a little better each day, and in the grand scheme of Humanity, I'm doing ok.

Illegal immigrant B.S.

Why do we focus giving funds to illegal immigrants when we could give that money to military families and vets? Why should illegal immigrants have any benefits? Do I feel sorry for illegals? NO. What part of the word illegal don't they understand? Oh wait, they don't speak English. So let's make sure we have signage all over the place in their native language, and make sure they get emergency healthcare to boot.Tie the hands of the police, so to speak, so they can't enforce deportation laws, and hey, aren't cities like San Francisco great when they are "safe haven" cities? Also, I'm glad I don't live in border towns in the Southwest. What a nightmare that is for residents and police there! Oh yea - don't call them illegal aliens - that's so offensive , they decry. Then stay the hell away - or go back to where you came from.Get in the line with all the other people who are trying to enter lawfully.Immigration reform is just code for amnesty, and the gravy train. Am I racist ,because I don't like the illegal immigrant problem? Some people would say, "yes" , but the key word is ILLEGAL. Of course, ten years from now, I will be saying the same thing, but by then, it will not only be exponentially worse, the gov't will be harping, "if only we had done something meaningful a decade ago." It's all so exasperating.

A divided country

We are a divided country in so many ways, and it appears that we are becoming more and more polarized, unfortunately. It seems to be an either/ or situation - for or against, and we are no longer the great country we once were. The intelligensia is the minority, and there has been a coarsening of our once strong values and ethics. Sometimes societal "opposites" aren't opposites at all, but red herrings for selfish , self- preservation agendas. Take Congress; many members have a ruling class mentality, and the political class has placed itself above the folk.I would love to have one term in Congress. That's all it would take to get a great pension and fabulous health care benefits for life.I think the two major political parties, per se, can't be trusted , but it's unlikely a third party would succeed in taking the presidency.It's in their personal interests to preserve the status quo, so consequently, America's decline seems inevitable. It's not so much Republicans vs Democrats. It's more nuanced than that.Socialism vs Capitalism, religion vs secularism, nanny state vs smaller gov't, cult of celebrity vs true role models, patriotism vs uninformed rebellion, takers vs givers,slackers vs workers, the blasé vs the concerned, action vs passivity. President Obama was elected and reelected;again, half the population is for and half the population is opposed to his policies.His election and reelection are historic,and that's about it. He is a smart guy and good family man, but I think he and his administration will go down in history as one of the most divisive, destructive and demoralizing presidencies ever.And for all our sacrificing,noble military , I am embarrassed by our president's mediocre leadership. We can't sustain the nation's financial burden, and we can't get a majority of politicians from both sides of the aisle to reverse it.Other problems that don 't look like they will be solved any generation soon because of polarizing opinions: immigration, Middle East, entitlements, fossil fuels, our Space program( or should I say lack of space program),higher taxes, diminishing middle class, yada, yada. It isn't uncommon for someone of my generation( or older) to have a sense of ennui and be jaded. It's sad, really, that I don't hold out a lot of hope for righting the leaning ship of state, or improving the deterioration of civility and national pride. Of course, for everything I just wrote, there will be people who adamantly disagree - the divided country dilemma.

Political correctness

I'm pretty tired of political correctness and social justice.Al Jazeera TV - really? We can't presume to do racial profiling, so let's pick Granny to get patted down at airport security.Don't say anything about Islam or that most terrorists are radical Islamists, but Christianity can be mocked. Buy hybrid cars, but they cost more money than the average person can afford. Everybody should embrace Obamacare, but Congress and the president are exempt. Be tolerant, excuse the "gansta" lifestyle, play the victimization or race card, feel ashamed if you're overweight,overspend to expand the misnomer " entitlement" ( you shouldn't be entitled;you should earn the privileges) programs, and let's all have selective outrage.

Animals

I have a healthy respect for animals( non- human). I like to go to zoos and aquariums and visit them at a "safe" distance. Rhinos, giraffes, tigers, apes, reptiles, etc ,are all fascinating to observe, but I could never see myself as a zoo keeper,or on safari, or even working as an animal shelter volunteer.Yes, I have a pet cat, but that is about the only animal I have ever owned. I've been bitten by dogs and other creatures, and I don't much care for petting farms, animal parks and "drive through ", up close zoos. I've been to butterfly houses and aviaries,ridden horses and milked cows, tended other livestock,but , in each case, some incident has occurred that has been unpleasant. As a parent, I have taken Adam and Gina to all the above mentioned places, especially Sea World and Animal Kingdom - more than once I might add- but now that that duty is finished, I will just visit the zoo once in a blue moon to remind myself of my mild fear of creatures outside my species, although to be quite honest, my species scares the heck out of me sometimes, too.

University stuff

As a parent I am annoyed with the"fees" at KSU. I realize that this is a universal problem for parents whose kids go to public universities - let alone private schools- but the arbitrary fees for revenue really irk me.When I was in college, the tuition was the bulk of the semester costs; now it is about a third of the expenditures, and this year, KSU is also charging students a fee to help build a football stadium, which neither we nor our son care the least about.We are charged two recreational fees( under different names), two different computer lab fees( which Adam doesn't need to use)building usage fees(really?), health services fees( whether you utilize them or not), etc, etc, etc. I don't mind paying the costs of meals because they are fairly priced and Adam partakes, but the books are outrageously priced( so he "rents " them). Universities, unfairly, are cash cows. However, thanks to our son's sensitivity and frugality,he did not choose to go to an expensive university, nor did he live on campus. He receives the HOPE scholarship, because he maintains above a 3.0 ( actually, he is on the Dean's List),and if it weren't for those darn exorbitant, price gouging fees, the cost of his schooling would be modest compared to so many other students. He has changed his major to entertainment marketing from general humanities, so that has added an extra year to his schooling. He is a second year senior, consequently, and will graduate Summer 2014. So of course, since his Marketing degree(BBA) is part of the business school, he has additional fees tacked on to each course for the privilege of being in that department. Ironically, Adam hates college,and will be overjoyed to be done with the whole thing, but he has persevered. As for me and Al, we'll be finished with being raked over the mandatory financial coals; that is until Gina starts post high school Fall 2014. #parental duty.

Labels

Caucasian, heterosexual, senior, female, retired, mother, wife,sister, conservative, Christian, Methodist, teacher, foodie, traveler,wine lover, movie critic, reader, thinker, educator,suburban, middle class, Ph.D abd,Michigander, Georgian,aunt, niece, cousin, friend,cynic,introspective, musician, blunt, Yankee,American, work-in-progress.

Bill and Gay

I have known Bill and Gay Ann Reid since I was 15. That means we've been very good friends for over 45 years, and I am excited that they will be visiting us, starting tomorrow for a few days.They were childhood sweethearts and have been married more than 40 years. They have three wonderful sons who are now married and have children of their own. Matthew, the oldest, is my darling godson, who is a Waterford policeman. I must say the whole Reid clan is the least dysfunctional family I know. They all have very calm personalities which has a soothing effect on me. I look forward to their visit and will be taking a few days off from posting.

Sundays

I'm having my second cup of coffee as I write this.Now that I am retired, Sunday has become my favorite day of the week.It is a slow motion day. I usually go to church and sing in the choir, except during the summer, and when I don't go, I watch the church of "the Jammie whammies" as Ms. Loretta calls Ministry shows on TV( I like watching Joyce Meyer especially). I read the once wonderful "Atlanta Journal Constitution"( newspapers, in general, are shadows of their former selves) and always read the now shrunken"Parade" which I've thoroughly enjoyed since I was a child. I slowly do a couple loads of laundry and pet our old cat CJ. Plants are watered and breakfast is made at a leisurely pace.I check email and Facebook and write a blog post, while listening to some Beethoven. I make a new recipe for dinner- today it's baked scallops au gratin- and Adam comes over and we have a family meal.We have " appointment" TV at 9pm, "Dexter" then my new favorite show "Ray Donovan".Usually I watch HBO as well, when"Boardwalk Empire"returns and "Game of Thrones", that is. Other chores and errands are done on other days, and Sunday is spent with the family.It is good; it feels restful and the day seems longer,and although not a lot of "stuff" is going on, the time is meaningful and luxurious. I relish this.

Little luxuries

I am grateful for having more than just my basic needs met. I'm not rich, but I am,indeed, comfortable and can afford certain " luxuries " which are great to have. 1st and foremost is our king sized Sleep Number bed. We each can adjust how firm or soft we want the bed to be on our own "sides ". The head of the bed raises for reading or watching TV.We've had the bed for five or so years and it is truly awesome. Other wonderful little luxuries are down pillows and Egyptian cotton sheets. Therefore, I sleep well at home. Also,we have a 60 inch LCD smart tv with separate sound board and sub woofer, so watching movies in our family room is really a satisfying experience.I don't rush out and see a new release movie much any more. I love my IPad, Kindle ,smart phone and PC -again, comfort and ease. We have 2 refrigerators, and when we have company ,especially,it's great to have the extra space.Could I do without these items in my life? Sure, but we could afford to buy them, and they have proven to be very satisfying. Again, I know there are people with much less than we have and there are people with much more than we have.I feel blessed to have these creature comforts, and I am content.