Soothing Nature

I need to go by myself somewhere and just vegetate for a couple of days.I think I'll go to a state park and just be alone in Nature and meditate.I'm angry at God and circumstances that are swirling out of control. I will pray and be quiet and wait and be ok.

rigor mortis ( when love dies)

Ripped from an already wounded chest, the inflamed heart slowly stops pulsing until that irreparably injured, isolated part stops functioning and becomes a red useless blob on mendacity's grimy floor.Gullibility intertwined with maternal hope had kept the tenuous life support machine from flat lining, long after the umbilical cord was decimated.Now the slim thread ,chewed through by insidious maliciousness and no longer aided by mitigating circumstances, lies on the maggot infested ground of delusion.Dried up tear ducts and furrowed frown lines of despair mingle to mourn the regretful, premature demise. Undeniably subsumed and subordinated, the elusive happiness of possibility and redemption lay fallow on the larger wasteland, several of Inferno's rings on hideous display,and a dirge plays woefully in the distance. Involuntary twitching - for what might have been - in concert with lamentation scream the unsatisfactory epitaph of the untenable blood loss. Brain dead before the pulse abated; nothing worked. "It's never too late" were the last misleading words heard before the imminent rigor mortis' arrival.

Snake Alley

3 miles from my cul de sac, very suburban home in the Arbors subdivision, within a cluster of subdivisions called Towne Lake, there appears to be a rural outpost of Woodstock's civilization called Snake Alley.All the"streets" are named after snakes, and that's appropriate since I didn't even get out of the car ( thank goodness), and I saw a couple of snakes in the dirt- not gravel - driveway, where I dropped off Alfredo, so he could pick up his vehicle( another story). Uh, I can look at a snake behind glass at the zoo, or from my car, but I am creeped out by them , and basically I am adverse to anything about them.In fact, reptiles are pretty much anathema to me. In any case, here was a country setting that was anything but bucolic or pastoral. I felt hostile towards the road signs: Rattler Lane (Such a welcoming name, don't you think?), Copperhead St.,Diamondback Drive,etc. Now, venomous and nonvenomous snakes are found all over Georgia, but I'm not going to get up close and personal to any of them. (My dear friends, Mary and Amy, both science teachers, as well as my goddaughter Lexxi would be laughing and mocking me about this). Snake related words and creatures aren't the only reasons that Snake Alley is so horribly compelling for me. The little area I saw seemed right out of a Hatfields and McCoys story setting- no paved drives, discarded appliances in some yards, lots of beat up looking pickup trucks, houses needing some paint and repairs. The visual extremes between Towne Lake and Snake Alley are not lost on me; here are two completely different domestic worlds within walking distance of each other, and although I've lived in the same house for twenty years,I didn't even know about Snake Alley until today.

Stomach bug- taking a couple days off from writing.

I am not alone

This Bible verse encourages me in so much as anything that happens with me has happened to other people, and God will see me through. I am not alone in what I experience, and I am not alone because God is with me. "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit;he'll always be there to help you come through it."( 1 Corinthians10:13)

False vs true victims

I've been thinking overtime about my so called parental options with my petulant, unruly, minor daughter, which makes me think about my sweet, tormented friends Pat and Maria,who I love dearly.Each of their already complicated lives is turned upside down by family BS, as is mine, and let me say Family BS is the uber worst BS, because of one's,hopefully, mature feelings of familial and just humane compassion, guilt, responsibility and obligation. In each of our convoluted cases, the needy, immature, unreliable person we are desperately trying to assist does not want or attempt to help herself; they don't need, nor are inclined to be, self- reliant; they will just extort everyone else. These women lack remorse and empathy. The self-centered individuals with entitlement attitudes, righteous indignation - and may I say without the expected adult reactions of compassion,guilt,responsibility and obligation - seem to be able to play the helpless victim card ( and these worn out cards, which these immature relatives believe are irrevocable, give them the narcissistic opportunity to continue their " me first" ways) quite well, to the continued detriment of Pat's, Maria's and my mental and physical health. From the outside looking in, our moral indignation and affronted good- heartedness toward these flabbergasting women lack sufficient weight against their unrelenting cries( and whining) for infinite help( read: complete, expected financial and irresponsible dependency). I feel both of my suffering friends' unnecessary pain, because I have some uncanny, similar, unsavory circumstances; we are the true victims, and we are experiencing the psychological abuse that comes with being, in actuality, an enabler , against our better judgment and rational side.Our hearts are in the right place, so to speak,and our tormenters capitalize on that - although they won't admit as much. Without a lot of minutiae , suffice it to say we three are all experiencing excruciating, uphill battles with close, female relatives ,without outside relief, exacerbated by the "victims'" nebulous,self-serving diagnoses of mental illness.The old adages "No rest for the weary" and "No good deed goes unpunished" seem valid and applicable. I pray for all three of us to have relief, respite and resolution concerning these trying, exasperating situations, but another trite but true cliche applies; it's always darkest before the dawn. What crap!

Over 10,000 views-thank you

Last night my blog spot hit over 10,000 views. That might not seem like many hits to lots of people who are used to social media , but I am very humbled and appreciative of the viewers who bother to read what I write.Sometimes I write fluff; sometimes I rant ; sometimes I write stream- of - consciousness;sometimes I try to be " literary." However, I always write for myself, because it is cathartic and often confessional.If you like what I write- whether you agree with me or not- it’s just icing on the proverbial cake, and I sincerely thank you for your support.I started writing my blog on St.Pat's Day and this is my 14Oth post, so I write a paragraph or so almost every day, except during some vacations.By the way,friends have asked me what my blog title LDSRO means.Well,it's all my initials, former and current ( Linda Diann Shelton Ross Orfale).If there are any posts you haven't read, you can access them by the months listed on the right column. Titles of the most viewed posts ,if you wish to read them, are: Coffins, 4/27;Jim,5/2; somnambulism, 4/30; anger,5/9; Broken,5/16; abused, 5/11;trapped,5/31; the Bell Blinks, 6/10; living in France, 6/11; Adam,6/27; sorry,7/20; notes to self,8/7; and ennui, 9/18. My goal is eventually to publish a short story/ poetry collection by expanding some of these fledgling remarks.I welcome any constructive comments/ criticism you may care to make. Thanks again for contributing to this modest milestone.

Ebb and flow

Banality of Life, no particular sequence....eat, sleep ,defecate, work/ job/ school, urinate, housework, exercise,sickness,drive/traffic, grocery shopping ,shower, get dressed,get gas, brush teeth,medications, pay bills, yard work,routines, habits, obligations.Survival and being homo sapiens are the large boring parts of daily Life,much of which we don't discuss, because, for most of us, we all have a similar circumstance. I am a questioning product of a First World set of concerns.But I'm thankful that I am not living in a third world situation where surviving the present day becomes paramount , or that I am some other kind of animal or nonthinking species.( Are other kinds of animals happier? Do they understand what happiness is? )Also, of course, there are Life's sadnesses which are universal, such as severe illness, trauma,betrayals and funerals. But beyond all of the above ,one experiences the exuberance of Life, no particular order.... Family, Faith, Friends, pets, traveling, reading, music,art, sports, worshipping, Health, entertaining,cooking something special,the beauty of Creation, hugs and kisses, photographs and memories, a long walk in the woods or at the beach,loving and being loved ,and special days like birthdays and Christmas and weddings.Our Life is a composite of routine and serendipity, boredom and excitement,good and bad,illness and health, melancholy and joy, dearth and abundance.My life is filled with peaks, valleys and plateaus, but those valleys and plateaus make me relish the mountaintop experiences even more.Oh, and now I need to go clean up the bathroom, change my bed, feed the cat,take a shower and then make some lunch.

Ennui / World weariness

I'm experiencing a tad bit of ennui or world weariness. No, it's not that I'm bored.It's the sadness that comes with seeing the same kind of disheartening events ,man made and natural, over and over throughout my life and realizing that I will continue to be a somewhat impotent witness to more of the same until I die. Examples: mass murders,misuse of political position,fruitless wars,insipid celebrity, extreme poverty, true hunger, rampant disease,physical abuse, widening gap between the haves and have nots, wild fires, tsunamis, hurricanes, floods,religious aberrations,hate speak,barbarians, mentally insane people wielding weapons,crudeness,ignorance - especially ignorance, manipulation, scam artists,etc, ad nauseum. I recognize that the world also demonstrates compassion, redemption, forgiveness, opportunity and potential for good. Many people seek, and work tirelessly for solutions, cures, interventions, and the outward expression of Love. I know the dichotomy between good and evil is inherent in human nature and the influence of the " seven deadly sins" is always at hand. I can only affect my immediate microcosm, but the onerous macrocosm wears on me, because as one becomes part of the older generation, one sees the mistakes and horrors of the past keep getting repeated with impunity and more horrendous efficiency. I believe in God,His Word,his omniscience and omnipotence. Consequently, the world is going to get a lot worse before it gets better ("Revelation"), and I wish my children would not have to experience the seven years of the Great Tribulation and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, but in so many places on Earth, I am certain that many people feel like they are already experiencing it. Yes, despite its flaws, I am fortunate to live in middle class America. I could be living in a hell on Earth like the Sudan, Iran, North Korea, or a slum house in Chicago. Nevertheless,I wish the travesties,suffering, inhumanity, and tragedies of our world were not so prolific and pervasive.I don't want to become desensitized to other people's crises and traumas, but the sheer amount of really bad "news" can be mind numbing. I hope and pray that the cries and pleas in the Wilderness, so to speak, will be heard and the suffering people will not feel God forsaken. Keeping Faith can be the hardest trial of all.

Spa visits

My beautiful - inside and out- niece Jaime, just offered me a free massage gift including gratuity.I love massages - all things spa, in fact- and one of the many benefits of retirement is that I can get a massage during the weekday and not on the crowded weekend. I never had a professional massage until I was 40, and my first facial was at 50. I always thought of these self- indulgent items as decadent and expensive; therefore I avoided them. I was wrong, because they are very therapeutic and literally rejuvenating. Now when I go on a vacation, especially a cruise, I get a massage and sometimes a facial and/ or other offerings like a deluxe pedicure and foot massage.After the treatment, I can get in a soothing hot tub or pool, too! They aren't necessarily costly ; I for one use discounts and specials,and the ubiquitous Groupon is great! For all my close friends and family: massages or facials or pedicures or spa visits are the perfect gift for me. So Jaime, thanks again for my delightful gift. Destressing massages can't be beat.

Educational touchdown

My son will be graduating from Kennesaw State University next summer, and my daughter graduates from Etowah High School at the same time.I feel like this has been a 40 year journey in the wilderness just to get them through their respective schools, because neither one has liked their school experience, and Al and I have had to plod, plea, provoke, persist and insist. Adam has honors status and has persevered despite despising college. Gina barely has a 2.0, and she will probably go to a community college next fall, if that. She lacks the motivation to study at all. Adam doesn't want to do graduate school at this time, and that's ok with me. I just can't relate too well to how they feel about education, because I always, absolutely loved being a student, and I excelled fortunately. Adam doesn't abide vainglorious profs or ones with heavy Russian accents,rather prevalent at KSU. Gina doesn't abide anyone in authority - a crucial issue, of course. Adam has hated his college years, and Gina has hated her high school years; both are not convinced that academia/ education is essential for their future endeavors.But we are all hanging in there , even if by a thread. Obviously, come June, this will be moot, since "Mission Impossible" will become mission accomplished.Then on to the next potential nightmare, in a string of nightmares,the ugly job searches. Can you just put a fork in me? I am so done with the educational madness of my offspring.Dragging them both to the educational goalpost is yet another thing I didn't think I would be doing. Parenthood is nothing if not arduous and lifelong. I need an extended warranty on my body and mind.

Ms. Loretta

I have had some upsetting events occur this weekend. It coincidentally is Friday the 13th weekend, but I am not superstitious. I can't believe the negative energy sent my way by some people close to me, and one of my former students died as well. My saving grace today, and frequently, is my dear friend Ms. Loretta, who is my confidante, sounding post, and is always loyal and supportive. We shared some quality time together,and she has a very calming influence on me. I am thankful for her valued friendship, and can't imagine my life without her in it.Most of my good friends and family live outside of Georgia, but she is my family here, a real soul sista.She knows my secrets and shortcomings ;I love her truly, and my relaxing time with her was the bright spot in an otherwise somber, frustrating, and migraine inducing couple of days. Thank you for being there for me Ms.Loretta. You are a Godsend.

North or South?

I hear people from the North talk about Southerners often as Rednecks or unsophisticated, and I hear people from the South speak of Northerners as aggressive and ill-mannered. I disagree with these assessments as too narrow, stereotypical, and uninformed. Yes, there are some Georgia good ol' boys who are still Rednecks, but I've seen plenty of white trash up North. Yes, there are many people from the North who not well mannered, but I have witnessed bad breeding first hand in Georgia.I suppose generalizations can be made about regions, but that's what they are- generalizations. Regional uniqueness is expected, but regions aren't different countries for God's sake. I know many fine, outstanding individuals from both parts of the country.Nevertheless,some people here in Georgia are still fighting against the " War of Northern Aggression ", and Southern "hospitality" depends on who you encounter.Then again, the tragedy that is called Detroit is ugly, and you can't get much more unsophisticated than south of 8 Mile in that town. I embrace the uniqueness that is Michigan or Georgia, and I've had a good life and great friends in both states. After living 40 years in Michigan and 20 years in Georgia I guess you can almost call me a "half- breed", and that's fine with me y'all.

9/11/2001

I had just resumed teaching after a 7 year hiatus. I had been nursery director at HUMC, while my son and daughter were finishing preschool,so I could be with my children while they were toddlers. Anyway, my first teaching job was at Dean Rusk Middle School in Cherokee County and that was in 2001. Every morning as a 7th grade teacher, I turned on the TV to a school wide program called "Channel One" which gave the students current events. The programming was interrupted just before 9 am to show live coverage of the towers being hit. The first tower hit was thought to be an accident initially, but I and my 12 year old students saw the second plane intentionally fly into the Trade Center Tower and there was a loud collective gasp. Watching the events unfold, the worst was seeing people jump out of the tower windows to their death. I turned the TV off. I tried to resume our Language Arts plan for the day, but nobody could focus, and I couldn't hold back tears.Dr. Blackwell, our principal, told us to leave our TVs off and act as if nothing happened. Really? My 7C team colleagues and I were visibly stunned, and at that point in the morning, we were all worried that there would be a war in the traditional sense. We took turns having our TV on during our planning periods. So I wanted to call my husband. That became a rigamarole because, everyone wanted to call his/ her spouse, and this was before the ubiquitous cell phone. I waited my turn, called Al, and when he answered he did not know about the occurrence, so it was after 11:00am when he turned on his TV for the first time. He never saw the people jumping out of the buildings, because the networks were not replaying that horror.Later that day, I kept thinking about the phone call Ted Olson received from his wife before the plane she was on crashed into the Pentagon. I tried to imagine if that were a conversation between Al and me. I didn't know anybody personally who was murdered that day, but I have never had such a visceral reaction to a news event. I felt like I was having a panic attack when I started thinking about my 10 year old son and 5 year old daughter. To me, their future safety was in doubt. I wanted to go home and hug my family, but I couldn't. Instead, I hugged many of my students who needed comforting, because they were confused, angry, sad, and stunned. It was a horrible day being played out in most classrooms across America, and the time seemed to drag. I kept thinking how surreal it all was.The school felt like a battle zone mentality , even though we were in Woodstock, Georgia, not New York.Every American was sharing this horrific experience, even if we weren't directly involved. Our country was under attack. Now it's 2013, and twelve years later , there is a whole generation of kids who only see that day as history. My daughter doesn 't remember any events that day except seeing the smoke and burning towers on TV. She sees it " like a movie." I have to say that "Pearl Harbor Day", 12/07/1941, is like that for me. I recognize the seriousness of that horrific event, but I didn't internalize it, because it happened 11 years before I was born, about the same amount of time between 2001 and now. I was thinking about the people , like my dad, who experienced both days. Will I experience another horrific event in my lifetime, too? Sadly, I think I will.

40 more months of Obama's admin

40 more months of Obama's administration. Lord,give all Americans strength to preserve and prevail. How many more years will we anger and confuse our allies? Is our best foot forward the equivocating and conflicting words of Reid, Pelosi,Kerry, Clinton? That said, Boehner, McCain, etc., aren't any better. On the eve of 9/11, I find myself sighing and wondering if our waffling government has really learned the hard lesson of that tragic date. The sophisticated liars and manipulators who are called our ( supposed ) representatives, have crossed too many red lines themselves with impunity.And it isn't just our current arbitrary foreign policy that disturbs me; Obamacare is coming, and our legislators have exempted themselves from it.I still think this country is great, and I don 't want to live anywhere else, but the US's shining star is diminished.

Neanderthal close encounter

I swerved my car today to avoid hitting a slow reacting dog, smacked the curb and subsequently got a flat tire, bent rim and hubcap.I was fine.However, the tow truck guy told me that I should have hit the " damn mutt" to avoid the inconvenience and expense.Really? His comment to me was,"Women!" and he shook his head; he really seemed miffed. There are still archaic brutes it seems, but I have not encountered one, personally, in a long time.This crude man's lack of sensitivity concerning the " inconvenient" animal was astounding, and Michael Vick and that ilk came to mind, but also his derogatory tone broached misogyny.He seemed like a cretan throwback to the 1950's. His burly demeanor and offensive words screamed the classic stereotype of a backwards oaf. I was more bummed by that lout's attitude than my damaged car. Thank God my husband isn't like that in the least, but then if Al were, I wouldn't have been with him this long.

Death be not sad

This fall I am serving as a funeral assistant at my church.On Saturday ,a memorial service was held and I helped out. This got me thinking about what kind of " celebration of Life " I would like to have. Well, I want beautiful, classical music and a spray of white roses. I would like a cellist to play Bach concerto #1 , a harpist play Gliere concerto, and a pianist play Chopin and Beethoven while a PowerPoint shows pictures of me with family and friends throughout my life.I would hope someone would sing " Jesus,Joy of Man 's Desiring" and would love a man to sing the Lord's prayer, and lastly, have someone recite Psalm 23. I would rather have music instead of a lot of words.I don't really want any eulogies or sermons. Then I would like a wake where there is wine and cheese,and lots of jazz and blues playing. A Mic could be passed around,and people would be able to tell an amusing anecdote they knew about me. I've had lots of embarrassing and silly moments in my life to which people have been witnesses. I want my friends and family to smile about me not cry.

Sports?

I'm watching US Open Tennis. I love Novak J and RAF Nadal . I hope they are in the finals together. I like playoffs and championship games, so I don't get excited about football until Jan. I don't watch golf championships until the last day of the weekend, and so on with sports. I am not passionate enough to watch every game of a particular sport's season. I am getting excited about the Detroit Tigers and Atlanta Braves, and , of course, I always root for Maize and Blue. When I was teaching, I would go to one game for each sport I could during the year. I am not sports obsessed, obviously. I did, however, attend all of Adam's races when he was doing cross country, a parent's duty.

Not the usual day- in- the- life

I decided to set the table handsomely for every meal we ate, yesterday. It was fun to consciously spend time arranging the table settings midweek, for no particular reason, for no expected company. I was treating us to extra attention to detail instead of using my every day "put it on the table so we can eat" mentality.I genuinely make an effort to cook most days, but rarely do I put forth effort for the " table scape", as foodies call it, unless it's a holiday or someone's birthday or we have company.For breakfast, I used my Grandma's china, glassware and silverware, with white linens and an orchid centerpiece. All Al and I ate consisted of a toasted bagel with cream cheese,watermelon chunks, orange juice and coffee, but I found myself lingering longer( Lake Oconee allusion), just because everything was just so much more elegant than usual at the breakfast table. Arranging everything took longer than fixing that meal. For lunch, we sat in the dining room and used my Mother's Blue Danube dishes, two Tiffany glasses, and her beautiful silverware. I used Tia's hand stitched tablecloth and napkins, and I put a red rose in a Waterford bud vase between us. I made cabbage soup and crab salad, and we had raspberry sorbet.Finally, for dinner, I used our wedding china, crystal and silver, , a different set of linens, put candles and some crepe Myrtle on the table, turned on some quiet classical guitar music and opened a bottle of good Pinot Noir. We "dined" - not just ate- and although it was a lot more effort and time than usual, it was certainly a positive change up from our general pattern. I prepared lamb and okra, Caesar salad, and warm oatmeal raisin cookies with decaf coffee.I even poured us ( not Gina) some Grand Marnier. It was a rare day, an exception to our informal routine, and because of its out- of- the - norm pattern, it will be memorable.Maybe I 'll do something similar again...in a year or two.

Today is a good day.

Living , loving ,laughing. Healthy, hopeful, happy. Peace, prayer, promises. Family, friends, future. Books,breakfast,bedroom. Coffee, conversation, cat. Vacations, vodka, variety.God, Gina, Grace. Alfredo, Adam, art.Music, movies, motherhood. Salvation, sunshine, silliness. I pause and realize that it is a very good day.In fact, most of my days can be good ones when I have the right mind set.

The beach as microcosm

I was calmly sitting on the huge beach which went for about a half mile to the left and to the right from where I was seated. Guarding our "stuff" and covered with sun screen, hat and sunglasses on, I was happily watching my husband,son and daughter jumping around in the waves,and I began thinking positively about the much needed family time for us, being thankful we could all be together for the mini vacation. Just as I was becoming totally relaxed, a lady of indiscernible age approached me with beer in hand and asked if I might have a cigarette she could have. I didn't, but we conversed for a couple of minutes, and she told me that she and some other friends were on the island to celebrate her divorce settlement. She went on to say that she had been married to a cad for almost 26 years,and finally had the gumption to leave him. She had no children, but she was " looking forward to spending [her] husband's hard earned money," she quipped. She then left me to go in search of the much desired cigarette, and I realized that no matter how much money that over tanned, cosmetically enhanced woman would have, she was not nearly as blessed as I felt.Once again I looked out to the water to see my family laughing and playing.I laughed, too, and was at that moment I was glad fo my crazy, convoluted, unpredictable life.The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the sand dune!

A cautionary tale

Obsessed with her own elegance,Constance,vapid trophy wife, continued to stare narcissistically at her wrinkle free, Botox filled face, looking critically for any obvious flaw that would mar the surgical improvements she had recently paid quite dearly to achieve. With the swelling and bruising gone,her successful facelift left her looking refreshed and youthful, and Connie ( this nickname seemed so working class to her) wondered when she should schedule her breast augmentation and tummy tuck, which were long overdue in her mind.She was reminded of the thigh liposuction which had been Con's first foray into modifying her dissatisfying appearance and ridding herself of her grotesque cellulite,and once that had been happily accomplished, she had decided to treat herself to the removal of the horrendous stretch marks from the inconvenient pregnancy which had played havoc with her once model- like, toned,lithe body. C - her pet name from her husband Marc- was thankful that she had avoided the pernicious breast feeding regimen, but when she studied her chest, the slight sagging made her frown, and she longed to be"perky" again. C's physical " to do" list was growing, but the first things were the afternoon's scheduled Brazilian wax and getting her highlights touched up.Tonight she would make passionate love to Marc, and tomorrow would be her big day; she hadn't been seen in public since her facial procedure, and Marc's architectural achievements would be showcased at the celebrity fundraiser tomorrow evening. She would be resplendent by his side wearing her form fitting, long, black silk, one shoulder evening gown , Louboutin heels and Winston jewels. Her cosmetics and hair would be done by her friend's stylist, and she felt as excited as her wedding day, eight years ago. She would have the limelight, she would be the prettiest she had ever been, and she anticipated the perfect end to a perfect evening, when she would ingest the quick acting poison and die in Marc's arms, never to grow old. Her toddler son would be just fine, she assured herself.0h, she realized that she was going to be late for her waxing; she needed to get going.