Unrequited

Loving someone should not need to be continually defended or proven , certainly not constantly tested to verify its Authenticity.On the other hand, as the song goes, " I can't make you love me if you don't." Someone who keeps hurtfully testing people to see if their love is unconditional, while at the same time withholding any reciprocity of feeling seems narcissistic with sadistic tendencies, yet some people absorb other people's care and concern, but will not or can not give back. Some humans are givers and some are takers. Perhaps the " takers" are limited, unable to believe that they are worthy of love, with fragile egos, low self- esteem and unable to accept healthy relationships from family who have remained loyal and forgiving despite being severely pressed for years. Unrequited love is excruciatingly painful, and Love doesn't mean accepting unlimited b.s. ;it can mean letting go.

Ploughing needed

I would rather do nothing than do something that means nothing. Sometimes sitting, and not reading,nor watching tv, nor eating, etc.,affords me a prime opportunity to think,reflect, plan and/or pray. I find myself, at times, mindlessly watching, what can be the"boob tube", then later questioning,"What the hell was I thinking? " The answer is that I wasn't. Just being busy to be busy is not that productive.I am really ok being alone with my thoughts, and I have been doing that more and more lately, because I have been evaluating/ assessing what I will be doing going forward. When I am sad or sick , I often shut down and don't want to call friends or family( they know this by now, I'm sure),and currently I have a malaise, a mental uneasiness, about the immediate future. My misanthropic daughter is MIA ,so to speak,causing me and my husband duress.She sees her self-imposed absence as a bargaining chip to become our peer, which she isn't. Contemplating what my latest parental response will be to this untenable situation with Ms.Uncongeniality racks my weary brain - and my angst ridden soul along with it. More reflection needed, more plowing the fallow mind....

Surreal, alternate universe

I'm living in a surreal,alternate universe, where the inmates are running the asylum.When I started going down the slippery sloped rabbit hole mistakenly called the juvenile "justice" system, I erroneously thought that the rule of law was to be obeyed and respected, because I'm law abiding; thus,an offender would experience what the stated consequences would be for breaking the law.Incarceration would inevitably follow.Not so! The euphemistic term "probation" became evident as a non-binding caveat and an exasperating disclaimer, nothing more.I would now tell a naive, uninitiated parent, like I was initially,not to bother to expect any meaningful results or judicious consequences for vile,incorrigible behavior, which only ranks as low level miscreant activity, if one is minor, therefore,not warranting serious follow through by the court. In the unlikely event that the minor is confined, the hapless parent is required to pay "room and board" for the "privilege". Moms and Dads- you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Child advocacy is extreme. mentally, physically, spiritually exorbitant items to consider: *Adoption is not always wonderful( RAD). The downside is not often discussed. *Children's mental health therapists do not admonish; they are touchy/feely, therefore,inadequate and ineffective. *Public schools are not meant for out-of-the-box children (square pegs in round holes); they pretend they are. *Juvenile justice is a misnomer."Many parents just need to try harder." Really ?

Dystopia

I scream, yet no sound emits, and crying elicits no tears.Pulling my hair only makes it more gray, and frown lines have overtaken the laugh lines. I'm shrouded in black, mourning the painful loss of progeny, not wrought from DNA, and intentionally sabotaged by promises unfulfilled and complex lies meant to maximize painful repercussions. For nonchalant reactions to potentially serious consequences continue the farce. Dysfunctional dystopia replaces the "Leave It to Beaver" nuclear family, and the once beautiful child becomes a demonic like instrument. So be it.

Tis the ( very long) season..

Hallothanksmas, the retail holiday that starts in September and ends after December, the blurred calendar equivalent of urban sprawl.Then there is the color orange, the main shade of Fall - orange construction signs, orange detour signs, orange construction barrels, orange cones,orange vested construction workers, orange jumpsuit roadside jail crews - color coordinated to match the pumpkins and leaves. Zombies,as preferred costuming this year, is de rigueur and has reached a tipping point in Georgia, thanks to " Walking Dead". I was at the mall today and every third person had zombie make up on. I was expecting a " flash" mob thing, but no, just over zealous zombie wannabes everywhere. Santa 's photo spot is all set up and ready to go - probably Nov 1st. The zombies were taking selfies by Santa's workshop, and what would have been perfect is if the zombies had been wearingPilgrim outfits. This is all so muddled up to me. I like distinct, clear cut celebration days. What's next? I'm waiting for a new Valpatster combo.

Multiple choice questions

Riddle ( or maybe a trick question): What do you get as a parent for an at-risk minor when you add the juvenile justice system to GA mental health services and throw in the GA public school districts?
Answers choices: A.nothing, absolutely nothing. B. emptying the wallet C. excuses D. platitudes E. All the above.
Best choice: E. all the above


What does it mean when a child breaks probation rules?
See answer choices above. Best choice: E.

Vampires

I have enjoyed vampire stories and movies since I was a little girl.Nosferatu(1922), the ugly monster type Count Orlof, really doesn't appeal to me except as a cinematic interest within the genre. I like the romanic, gothic tension between damned and redeemed, mortal and immortal, lust and love.Bram Stoker's novel and Bella Lugosi's characterization intrigued me, but I liked the more recent evolution of the tortured soul with portrayals by such actors as Langella and Oldman.I read all of Ann Rice's Lestat series, and her "Interview with the Vampire" was turned into one of my favorite movies with Cruise, Pitt and Banderas. Yea - wait for it- Brad Pitt's performance was to die for.Fast forward to the first season of "True Blood", and I loved the twists on the vampire character, and the gothic and sexual tension, but the initial good writing was gone by end of season two,and I lost interest. Vampire tales for the teenage girl don't appeal to me,so my cursory and intermittent viewing of "vampire Diaries" and the "Twilight" series found them indeed irritating. So I am now waiting with anticipation for talented Jonathan Rhyse- Meyers' depiction of the legendary character. Of course, it's network tv, but I will record the show, and give it a chance, because I love the possibility of giving new life( and dare I say, new blood) into a currently lame,over- saturated genre that has lost its bite.

Heat on in October

We had to turn the heat on in the house last night for the first time. We went straight from AC to heat. Georgia weather is like that. Right now it's mild during the day( upper 60's) but chilly ( 40's) at night. The temps should be like this until December, with any snow unlikely. I don't miss that about my 40 years in MI; snow and really cold weather that is. I have now been in our home and in GA 20 years this month. The first Halloween here it snowed, and I thought, "I moved to Georgia to still have snow?" That was a fluke, of course, and hasn't happened since, but it has been unseasonably cold here, so who knows ? I wouldn't mind the anomaly,and we'd probably have more trick-or-treaters if snow occurs, because school would be called off the next day( yes, even a sprinkling of snow will halt all traffic)"Flakey" to be sure.

Stream of consciousness

I didn't even slow down for that yellow light.Why does the car in front of me have so many- too many- stickers on it? Oh,an auction is there on Oct 26. I need to get some gas. I wish that guy would ride his fricking bike somewhere else instead of on the road in front of me. Wow six red cars in a row.Hey,jerk use your darn turn signal.Lady, if you can't handle that huge suv, drive something else. Really? It's raining , and the NPR says there's a chance of rain today.Hurry up and put on the Concerto; you're boring me.That guy can't see that I can see him picking his nose? Oh, great, another school bus stopping every hundred feet.Hey guy, the stop sign is not a suggestion. Oh what cute scarecrows! I need to get some pumpkins and mums. I wonder if there's a patch on the way home? Shoot,I forgot to put my Netflix movie in the mail."Oblivion"was a waste of time. Can't get those two hours back. Go ahead and get in from of me just before the red light. Gas light is on. I need some tea and an egg salad sandwich.Where did that come from? no.you.didn't.just.do.that! Well,a manicure is overdue. Wow I wish I could play like that( the cello). Whose the musician? Another insurance biilboard...oh, I need to go online and look at that website, and print out Starbucks certificate, and Two Cellos tickets. I hope that darn printer is working.Pearl Vision - I 'll get to it soon. Well that's the third missed call, and two texts.I hate phones, and this traffic ,and what the heck is that woman doing walking with five kids? The clown waving the sign " we buy gold" is just annoying.Oh that's pretty(dark blue Ferrari).... I think I can make it to Kroger before I get gas. I better get some half and half, too. Gina will be home in forty minutes. Wow, those trees have beautiful color.I'm glad I didn't get my car washed.I need to get that magazine out of the back seat.The subscription is up soon. I didn't take my medicine.Did Gina? Oh no, another creative driver.Hello!!! I don't like these glasses. Is that Adam? No, but the same kind of car.I'll put the CD in that he gave me. Another call; I'll check at the station. I hope Al's plane is on time. CJ is probably hungry. I'll watch "Blacklist" tonight. Spader IS that show. What is that smell? The truck in front of me? One more light and I hope it's not too busy...I just want to get home now... Come on lady; make up your mind which pump you want. Messages from Al, Adam, trugreen,Publix pharmacy. Yep, I was way on empty.... No more air-conditioning for car or house. I need to get out the electric blanket. Lots of cross country runners today. Almost home. Forgot the cream, whatever. I'm not getting back into the car today...

We need a modern day Lincoln

Where are the great thinkers and statesmen of this generation with the logic, compromise, civility, integrity,and forbearance to be long term visionaries ,reformers, and constructionists, without the short term myopia of thin-skinned self- preservation? Accountability rings hollow, and even if impressive leaders emerge,the entrenched powers-that-be squash political independent minded credibility and minimize any significant contribution with a complicit fifth estate which demontrates a contaminated,unreliable , no longer objective viewpoint. Let's say someone like an Abraham Lincoln comes to the forefront.He would would not succeed in our current political arena, because our 16th president deferred, revered, and listened to God.Lincoln invoked God's name often in his speeches.When someone does that now, he or she is marginalized and deemed "a far right kook." Too many secularists have inundated the intelligensia with political correctness and hold our great Constitution hostage to "interpretation." Oh,to have now-for our country is in dire need- the magnificent brainpower, vision, aptitude and courage of our founding fathers.Their brilliance was not marred by intolerance for differing opinions, for that civil dissent produced great progress through compromise.Not so today. They must be turning over in their graves.

five senses

Graying hair, wrinkles, sagging here and there, aches and pains... The inevitable March of Time... but they add up to being a survivor, and God isn't done with me yet, as the old adage goes. I have many blessings to count, starting with having all five senses.Sitting quietly on the back deck this morning, I could see the beautiful, cloudless, cerulean sky and the tall trees magnificently dressed in autumn colors.I could hear the constant chirping of the migrating birds as I listened to some sweet,small children laughing while they joyously rode their little bikes. The satisfying taste of the freshly ground French Roast coffee warmed me, and the delicious bagel with cream cheese delighted my taste buds. Someone was burning fallen leaves( isn't that illegal now),and that familiar Fall smell brought cheerful memories of childhood campfires and jumping into piles of raked leaves before my father would inevitably light them on fire. I also enjoyed the intoxicating aroma of my robust coffee as I savored that luxurious second cup, even as that ceramic container doubled as a hand warmer. The sunshine made my skin tingle and took away the goosebumps from the early morning coolness. And I thought of a wonderful Bible verse just then. " Be still and know that I am God." I am thankful for my aging body, because I am still blessed to see, hear, smell, taste and touch the small every day wonders around me.

I am weak, but HE is strong.

So many times I have tripped and fallen( literally and figuratively), yet I get up and keep going, because I am constantly shown God's grace and mercy. Bruised and scraped, I get on my weak knees and pray for peace and protection, and I feel encouraged because of God's faithfulness, even when I'm not so faithful to Him, and I'm yelling and ranting. I have broken every commandment ( rape and abortion, for example) , but His Love endures. My sins are many, and His forgiveness is boundless. Yet my most difficult struggle is that I have been fighting a spiritual battle concerning my daughter for almost 9 years,with a combination of factors due to her RAD(reactive attachment disorder), her schizophrenia, her adoption, her being South American Indian, the angst of teen years, psychotropic prescriptions, school behavioral issues, and other mitigating factors. This affects our whole family's dynamics; my husband and my son have battle wounds from this as well. Cover us with prayer, please. This has been a long, long saga, and we are weary- especially my daughter Gina, who is at a very low emotional point.

Another break - for about a week

I've had some emergency issues come up, and I need to take a break from blogging right now. I will probably not post until next weekend.

Rhetorical questions??

I would like to know at age 61 why we spend billions on countries that hate us, but we have millions of people here in the U.S. who live in poverty, are truly hungry and many without shelter? Why do we fight a war on terrorism in foreign lands, but when a psycho kills people,e.g. in the Ft. Hood event,it's just a " workplace shooting? Why do I have to accept that illegal immigrants should have the same benefits as I do,a law abiding citizen? Why should I have Obamacare pushed down my throat if I don't want it, but our corrupt and self-serving Washington politicians are exempt from it? Why do our mental health services, juvenile court system and schools' political correctness/ limitations create a perfect storm where children fall through cracks( more like crevices), because all young people should have the benefit of the doubt - over and over- until something "tragic" happens? Why do more and more people I meet, who profess to be Christian, seem hypocritical? Why,in such an evolved country, are we seeing a coarsening of attitudes and manners,with civility and dignified behavior being pushed out more and more for Miley Cyrus type crudeness, and even " smart" people resorting to pettiness, finger pointing and name calling? Why am I supposed to care about my environmental footprint while there's fracking, GMOs,toxic waste dumps and corporate plundering that more than negate my efforts? Why does every sensible person have a budget of sorts, but our taxpayer money is squandered by government ineptitude and outmoded practices,an obvious example of which is the bloated, indebted postal service which could have been trimmed down to 3 or 4 days service a week, a few years ago? Why should I care if prisoners don't have cable tv, fitness equipment,and computers while many senior citizens can't afford such items? In a world of apathy, I wonder why should I care?

Hand we are dealt

Living strong when you're at your wits' end is like holding on by your shaky fingertips when you're fearfully dangling from the 10th story ledge of an unsafe building -not many good options, and the sand is going too fast in the hourglass.So many of us are just doing the best we can with the luck- of -the -draw hand we're dealt,but sometimes I'd like to throw all my unplayable cards in and get some more from a fresh deck.I don't need a full house, but just something to make me feel more like staying in this crazy game and having a decent chance for a good outcome. But that's the irony. There are no assurances that the new cards will be any better than the old cards; they might be worse. Nevertheless,I feel, paradoxically, lucky compared to significant people in my life who are badly suffering with severe and/or terminal illnesses.I have good health,for which I'm grateful,and ultimately, that's a powerful card, indeed.

Comfort food

We all have comfort foods that combine nostalgia, family and tastiness. I loved my beautiful mom's:meatloaf, beef stew, biscuits and gravy, turkey and stuffing,chicken and dumplings,homemade donuts, banana pudding, stuffed peppers, eggplant pie, chocolate meringue pie ( oh, that crust!),and her absolutely phenomenal yeast rolls. All these dishes were high in calories,lots of carbs, and scrumptious. On the other hand, my burly dad couldn't cook, but some of my weird, I don't-eat-in-public ,quirky,comfort foods I got from my father,and I love these items - but many people wouldn't. They are: cottage cheese with lots of Worchester sauce put on it, crumbled up Graham crackers with milk over them, liverwurst, pound cake with milk over it, and liver and onions. Whenever I eat these delicious and eclectic foods I always think fondly of my strong parents. None of this food is high brow;Mom and Dad were working class people.Yet, I always had a full and satisfied tummy, and my gifted mother cooked with love and passion;in fact, she was a great cook. My extraordinary parents were salt-of-the-earth people who knew how to really stretch a dollar to take care of their children,and like it is in many families,meals were the cornerstone of our family life. I think about them every day. Gee, I think I'll go get me a small bowl of Graham crackers now for a snack; Dad, I'm sure, is smiling.

Mr. Eliot

She screamed all the way to the barren city limits of inhabitable Indifference, reaching the desolate terminus which is apathy's village of mutant could- have- beens.Like the tormented woman of iniquity at Purgatory's sawdust restaurant window, hopelessly staring out onto the bombed, deserted street of despair, she'll languish in the eternal wasteland of devastating indecision never talking of Michelangelo again, nor smelling hyacinths. "Hurry up please.It's time."

No more tears left

Have you ever cried so much that you can 't cry anymore,because literally there are no more tears? I think my tear ducts have dried up, and my deep sighs have replaced my tears. This happened to me a few times in the past because of significant people in my life who have died( and very abruptly). Cliff, my first husband, died at age 22 when a tree crushed him;my brother Jim was murdered at age 27 ; my mom died at 57, a combination of heart attack and Addison 's Disease; my dad died at 70 from acute adenocarcinoma ;I have miscarried three times. Other people who I loved have also died, but the above stated reaction didn't happen.What separates my past reactions to my current condition is that my present state is not the result of someone's death, but rather from anguish and impotence concerning my daughter.I am beyond grieving now.

Fall of representative Democracy

The surreal circus, which is better known as Washington Politics, jumped the shark a long time ago, but the delusional, political clowns are maniacal at best and - dare I say it- they have become despots, creating an oligarchy from which only they, the "ruling class", benefit. Whether Left or Right,their common purpose is self- preservation, not the good of the common citizen -all talk, no real reform. We cry out for term limits, but the likelihood of our"representatives" getting a majority vote for that is implausible; they won't sabotage their cushy jobs.Wouldn't you love to have their "retirement" pay, benefits, and top-of-the-line healthcare for a lackluster (to be kind) performance? Yes, we can vote them out of power, but how then does that explain that Reid, Pelosi, and so many other career politicos still wield power and remain in office? Our nation's future is forsaken for the broken promises of short term memory politicians who will say whatever is needed to be elected and reelected, foregoing integrity and our children's hope for a better life than we have. Where is our nation's intelligensia? They are comatose and apathetic."Checks and Balances" is a ludicrous phrase any more, and the historical evidence of the corruption and disintegration of Roman democracy shows the dissolute way American gov't is headed. 230 years is a long time in terms of government stabilty, so I am not surprised that our "representative" democracy is that in name only.Our once superlative nation has "leaders" who have devolved into kowtowing ,namby-Pamby finger pointers. Republicans say, "It's not us, it's you Democrats." Democrats say,"It's not us, it's you Republicans." A charade is being perpetrated by our Federal government, a mendacious canard. Thank God the presidency has term limits! Nevertheless, I truly believe that the " Nanny state" mentality is the worst consequence of the perpetual inbreeding of Washington, even the Supreme Court is an activist organ. The Constitution is in true jeopardy, ergo so is the country. Since Congress must preserve their irresponsible positions at all cost$ ( every pun intended), myopic , short term survival skills are directly aimed at ever growing, out- of- contol entitlements, because that unfunded carrot, which masks dependancy, gets the huddled masses to jump through the necessary voting hoops to preserve their congressional seats; bankruptcy be damned! Therefore, although the leftist politics of many Democrats truly stick in my craw, the party symbolized bythe donkey will reign supreme indefinitely, at least at the presidential level, aided and abetted by much of the Media, to the detriment of free speech, debate, and common sense.If there is a legacy of this current administration and Congress, it will be the demise of middle class America, and the irreparable damage to smaller government, self-reliance, self-determination, and our financial security. I'm reminded of Dukore's astute analysis of the brilliant,absurdist tragicomedy "Waiting for Godot", when he opines that Beckett metaphorically explains " the futility of man's existence when salvation is expected from an external entity." Does our ever increasing , deluded, nanny populace see the Federal government as that salvation? We are certainly witnessing the beginning of the end. I pray our children will thrive, despite - or in spite of- the calamitous fiasco that is our federal government.

So young to die.

Three weeks ago one of my former students died at age 18. This week another ex-student, age 22,died of a self-inflicted gun shot.Both, so young, with so much potential , gone.It is heart wrenching and devastating to the parents, of course, but the impact is wide. I am stunned and words are inadequate. I will be attending yet another memorial service this Sunday of Incredible sorrow. Too many young people who I have taught have passed on, including soldiers in the Line of Duty. I'm still here; they aren't. Sometimes I wonder why that is.

Kafkaesque

My recent postings show my anger about unfortunate circumstances which are out of my control.I am grappling with these strong feelings,and I will be ok. Thank you to everyone for expressing concern about my well- being. A perfect storm of trying events has left me exasperated and extremely, mentally tired. I will bounce back from this endurance race and regain my stamina, because I must, and because I want to regain my joie de vivre and not harbor resentment towards the insensitive people involved. Everyone has a personal story about conquering "demons" and needing to rise above the muck that is thrown at her. Some people do that easier than others, and some people - like me - are drawn into the ugly drama through imbibing a lethal cocktail of responsibility, guilt, motherhood and hope, a Pandora's box of futility.Faith, good will,and optimism have always sustained me. Not so much right now. I have had dark episodes in my life, especially Deaths, but I have never been more shaken than with the psychological and physical ramifications of the " loss" of my daughter. I have been down the rabbit hole too long, and like Kafka's "Metamorphosis", eventually the unbearable monstrous situation will be resolved - either well or badly. I truly believe that I have done all that I am capable of doing, but therein lies the rub, because my best efforts have always been sufficient until now. Gina sabotages Al and me, and she sabotages herself. I can't/ won't self- destruct with her, but body parts have been forever wounded, nevertheless, and when it comes to head and heart, those deep cuts may not heal.

Elegy for M.M.

The exquisiteness of being forever frozen in time.Haunting visage wrapped in white silk.Singular beauty kodachromed.Sinuous and curvaceous statue of ivory luminescence. Legendary cleavage wrought with heaving sighs. Tormented talent exulted. Surface over substance.Singular icon of overanalyzed sensuousness. Enigmatic, distressed soul of insecurity. Misfitted for some who liked it hotter; ask Joe and Arthur.Peculiar, acute, inconvenient Kennedy sexual obsession; object as unfortunate consequence of symbol. Inaccurate dumb blonde persona thwarted at bus stop.Those legs, those lips...the breathy voice evoking possibility. Come hither eyes reflecting melancholic spirit. Barbituate friends with false promises. Abbreviated life span for posterity. R.I.P.