Notes to self

Things I must remind myself about: Don't keep calling someone who doesn't call or email me back.School buses are not on the road to torment me;they are transporting precious children. No matter how many attempts, the dryer doesn't automatically fold the laundry. The cat can't( or won't) clean up his own vomit or poop.Don't be fooled by the words " customer service." If I have to "press 1 for English", it probably won't turn out well. The job title " Master Technician" at the car dealership is a relative term and up for debate. Requests have obvious and hidden agendas. Look in the mirror; I am not 40 any longer; stop the delusion! If the waitress tells me that the menu item isn't "too" spicy,I may get my lips burned off. Brad Pitt will not be visiting for Christmas, neither will Liev Scrieber or Johnny Depp. I'm on the phone list of charities and political parties forever; they do not understand the words "do not call." If I want to go out for an evening, let alone a vacation trip, it is a given that I will make the arrangements for me and everyone else. Coffee means " dark colored water" for too many people; I will grin and bear it. My car has a tire pressure warning light for a reason. I can not afford to buy anything from the " Wall Street Journal" ads( repeat often for optimal belief), especially the Lamborghini that is specially priced for a limited time only.My jeans not fitting isn't because the dryer shrunk them.My husband and children don't exist to annoy me; they exist to give me unsolicited constructive criticism.(Click my heels together, and say, "There's no place like home.")Technology is not my enemy. I have enough art pieces; in fact, I have too much. I will shoot myself if I buy any more artwork. Wanting, needing and affording a facelift are three distinct ideas.I have been prone to falling all my life; I must be more careful in my geriatric years, or I will be having lots of bone replacements.My husband adores me; I am assuredly his raison d'être. Red wine,vodka and chocolate are loyal friends.Spandex has never looked good on me.If I buy high heels, they will last forever , because I can't wear them for more than five minutes anymore.If I have 50 dollars and spend $60 , I do not get $10 back( why not).I am my children's secretary for life. Gina is going through another "phase." The U.S. may or may not be going to Hell in a hand basket. Throw the stinking three week old " fresh" flower bouquet away. Medical bills - bills, in general- are a way of life, and assure me that, at a minimum, I will get mail to open. Nobody cares about fluffing the sofa cushions and pillows but me. If it is sunny and only 40 degrees, I still will get sunburned. God never meant for me to be a trapeze artist. Rocks were created for stubbing my toes.I tell myself that I am a collector when, in fact, I have hoarder tendencies. I will never cook as well as my mom or Tia Alicia ( but it's a goal).One day I will understand God's sense of humor and all will become clear. If I eat two slices of cheesecake, and nobody sees me do it, should I eat a brownie as well? The last thing I would want to do is be unkind ;truthful,however, can be misconstrued as unkind. Do not audition for a solo part in the choir.I can't sing, but the church choir is meant to be a tolerant and forgiving group, so I continue to be a member. Remember to be less competitive; I must stop myself from needing to win at chess, bridge, Bunco , monopoly or scrabble. ( uh, no. Scratch that last sentence.)I do not need to understand other people's desire to chew tobacco. I just need to leave the room. I am still a work in progress.