Anger

I don't like who I am when I'm angry. It takes a lot to make me truly mad. I'm not talking about being annoyed, bothered, interrupted, miffed. I mean downright livid - so angry , I can't think straight.Bureaucracies by nature can be infuriating; that is not to what I am referring.It's the individual, especially good friends and family. When someone lies to me or about me,betrays me,belittles me,humiliates or hurts me ( or someone I love), and especially if I feel used, I can turn vengeful, retaliatory and unforgiving. That isn't a Christian attitude, and the whole turn- the-other- cheek thing makes me mad at myself. As I said , I don't like the person I become,and I end up having extreme guilt about my hostile feelings.All the while I'm seething, and because I'm not physically aggressive,I often have trouble being confrontative.I don't vent very well; I can become crude, malicious and vile, not very mature and overly dramatic.This is rare with me, but it does happen.(I had to learn extreme patience when I was teaching, and I did well for the most part.) Sometimes I feel justified in my acrimony, but often because of the way I can react, the person I become agitated with, somehow turns the situation around to act like he or she is the affronted one. I don't want to hold a grudge, but some people keep reinforcing my anger, by repeating their user/ taker modus operandi and entitlement mentality.I've had an epiphany that I needed to totally eschew these negative people - however close they have been to me- from my life, but you can't exactly do that, unfortunately, if you are related to them. There is someone who is a case in point, but that would take too many pages to explain, and I don't want to go there yet. Suffice it to say that sustained resentment and unresolved conflict create a lot of stress.Yes, of course, I should just let go, but right now that elusive mental freedom and evasive peace of mind feels like a fantasy.